For football fans craving new signings, Christmas comes in January. I gather this year the deadline has been extended to 5pm on Monday February 2, presumably on the grounds that the lawyers and agents who play so important a role in the transfer window soap opera will be unable to complete deals by the Saturday night, ie January 31 itself. And heaven forbid they might work on a Sunday. So, this year, in the midst of the credit crunch and on the eve of a massive economic depression, the like of which few of us yet comprehend, we will have the joy of an additional 41 hours of Sky Sports getting itself into a lather about someone moving from one relegation bound team to another, or not as the case was with some abortive transfers back in August. And us Gooners can speculate for even longer about who won’t be signing for us. Thinking about it, watch economic output fall off the cliff on Monday February 2 as football fans across the UK spend the day constantly texting their friends, listening to the radio and reloading the transfer news web pages.

But back to Arsenal. The fans know what the team needs. The journalists and ex-players now earning a living as pundits know what the team needs. I suspect the directors, particularly Danny Fiszman, know what is needed. The experienced players, especially our former captain and our crocked current captain, know what is needed. May be Arsene knows too, but is now far too entrenched in his “I believe in this team” bunker to know how to get out.

I try not to pay too much attention to the ravings of the Sunday tabloids and their exclusives. If I want a laugh, I’ll log onto www.football-rumours.com, especially to see if any of those I concoct with some friends have got passed the “editors” there!

Being realistic and trying to interpret the occasional verbal gems of the Sage of London N5, I suspect by the end of January we will have signed one player, may be two. It won’t be what we need, of that I am sure, but it may be something better than nothing. Who it will be I have no more idea than the rest of you, but to save you scouring the papers any more, here’s my “authoritative” guide to who we won’t be buying in the January transfer window.

First the goalkeeper: we need a top, top keeper like Casillas or Buffon. We won’t get either of them. A proven international understudy would be fine: Coupet or Landreau from France for example. Sorry, I don’t think we will see either of them. May be we will see Shay Given. If we do, I would have to ask why wasn’t he bought in the summer? And if a proven premiership keeper is bought, why oh why could we have not got Jaskelainen last summer before he re-signed for Bolton? Arsene, he would have been free! Or why didn’t we go for Brad Friedel?

Centre backs: we need two, ideally ones with proven top level experience who can fit in quickly. I had always hoped we would get the Brazilian Lucio; there’s another younger Brazilian, Naldo, at Bremen who would be ideal. Or may be a tough Serbian, a Vidic mark two. Alternatively, why not look at players already in the Premiership where Scandinavian defenders seem to fit in quickly – Hangeland (Fulham wouldn’t stand in his way) is the obvious choice. Or what about Agger who wants to leave Liverpool by all accounts? Arsene, you could always be really revolutionary and buy a player you previously sold - Upson would, I bet, leap at the chance to come back and I am sure West Ham need the money; I’d also be happy with Distin, whose club also need the dosh. Micah Richards? In our dreams.

Central midfield: in Cesc’s absence and given Wenger’s unwillingness to give Ramsey and Wilshere a run, experience is what's needed. Arteta anyone? Abdoulaye Faye? (come to think of it, he could double up at centre back too if need be). Elano (now that he’s out of favour at Eastlands) or Michael Johnson (it’s either him or Stephen Ireland)? There’s still Appiah who’d be free. To be honest there are so many possible players out there. And why oh why oh why did we just not pay the asking price for Alonso in the summer? Liverpool will never sell him now. I do like Arshavin and may be he and Nasri in tandem could replace Cesc, but I still can’t see Arsene being prepared to spend the kind of money required for the Russian.

Strikers: Podolski has supposedly been told he can leave Bayern. Pato can hardly get a game for AC Milan. David Villa wouldn’t be cup tied for Europe and there have been many reports saying Valencia need the money. But can you seriously imagine our esteemed leader going for any of these? Much as I would like to, I can’t see it - so that’s another three quality players we won’t get. And of course, we know that signing another striker would “kill” the youngsters. Moreover, Bendtner is far better than those three (LOL).

I haven’t got onto the matter of cover at full back (we can probably muddle through provided Gibbs doesn’t go on loan) or real wingers (we have Vela, we could bring Traore back and we will have Walcott back soon enough), but Arsene doesn’t play with proper wingers anyway. Because of that, I can’t see the point of arguing the benefits of David Silva.

So there we are: there are numerous players out there, many more than I have mentioned, all of whom can help address the many problems in our squad. Some of them are actually fairly ordinary players in the grand scheme of things. But I think Faye, Arteta and Upson are streets ahead of Song, Denilson and Silvestre – and what’s more, in the case of the first two, they always will be.

I am not so naïve as to think that Arsene would actually sign half a dozen or more players (although we sure as hell need them); if we are very very lucky, we will get two, probably both midfielders, but I wouldn’t bank on more than one arriving.

This then, dear readers, is the team I would like Arsene to buy (including a loanee to come back for good measure), but I know he won’t:

Given
Richards – Lucio – Upson – Traore
Arteta – Elano – Ab. Faye – Arshavin
Villa – Pato.

Have fun picking your own, and enjoy the January transfer window. And when it’s all over, remember there will be only five months to go before it all starts again.

PS: I just took a call from an estate agent friend of mine; he’s been asked to find a house for a Brazilian couple who are moving to London in January from Milan. He didn’t catch the name, but he’s sure it begins with a K. I’ll let you know when I have more details*.

*with thanks to Leopold Mendacious himself for the tip-off.