Hello dahlings,
We are Trini and Susannah, and we tell you how to dress.
Today, we are going to let our new friend Mr Phillip Brown, give you his 10 point guide to male attire.
1) Though shalt wear sensible footwear.
Clogs, Hobnail boots, and sporting boots are the only such forms of this.
Trainers and sneakers are far too Americanised to be considered as suitable.
2) No hooded tops shalt be worn, at any time, by order.
If thou wishes to prevents rain falling on one's pate, though shalt wear cloth cap.
3) Though shalt not wear a belt, for that is the work of Satan.
Braces did for my father, and they shalt do for you too.
4) Shiny materials are to be avoided, for they might give the impression you are a Johnny Foreigner, which would never do.
Stick to dull corduroys, herringbone weaves, and Yorkshire wool.
New fangled "wickable" fabrics are for ponces who don't want to sweat.
We all know a man should smell of day old sweat mixed with Woodbine smoke.
5) Jeans?
Wilt not have Hippy Commie types in my back yard. You can take a runnin' jump lad.
6) Thou shalt not wash thy face, except on the eve of St. Michaelmas.
My face in particular has a strange "orange" hue to it, which is actually ingrained dirt.
Man should look as if he’s has spent all day down t'pit, and not be moisturising his face in the manner of a Metrosexual, which is right poofy.
7) Thou shalt have an English name like "Phil", Dean or Geovanni.
Foreign names must be banned as they encourage sodomy.
8) To achieve proper posture, shove ferret down trousers at seven every morning.
Will bite your nuts, and ensure legs remain in correct position for rest of day.
9) Bottom of one's trouser should be smeared in whippet saliva, as is proper way of the world.
10) Orange and Black vertical stripes is the best combination of all coloured fabrics.
Wear it at church, in the synagogue and in the mosque.
Except if you are Jewish or Muslim, in which case you can f*** right off back home to El Salvador.
The Daily Mail wishes to point out that Mr Phillip Brown was paid no fee for this article, instead his fee was donated to a Charity of The Kingston Upon Hull Clinic for the Seriously Deranged.
