1. Home
  2. Online Exclusive

Whatever happened to Arsene Wenger?

It all makes sense now…

23 March, 2011 9:00 35 comments
Whatever happened to Arsene Wenger?

Android Wenger?

SUBSCRIBE TO THE GOONER

I reckon I know what has happened to our formerly brilliant manager, so sit back and prepare yourself for a shocking story.

It all begins back in 2005 when, after the FA Cup Final of that year, the evil Ferguson decided he had had enough of a certain Arsene Wenger and masterminded a dastardly plan: kidnap his arch nemeses, Wenger, and replace him with an android, programmed to do just enough to keep your average Gooner happy each season, no trophies mind, just a top four finish and absolutely nothing else.

Ferguson has total control and is able to make Android Arsene do almost anything. The speech control is going a bit haywire though and seems stuck on the words ‘mental strength’. Apart from that it is all going swimmingly for him and he is laughing all the way to the trophy cabinet. He makes damn sure his android’s team always plays the same way and that no failing players are ever shown the door. He also demands that few (if any) experienced or proven quality players are ever purchased. He can hardly believe how well his diabolical plan has worked.

Ferguson is though, this season, cutting it fine in the league, and he is worried that he may have mis-calculated, allowing Android Arsene’s team a chance to finish as champions. Even as you are reading this article he is desperately checking the robot’s wiring to make sure players like Denilson, Rosicky and Bendtner (amongst others) play as often as it takes, so as to scupper any chance of this happening.

Will he be successful? Find out in the next exciting installment of ‘Whatever Happened To Arsene Wenger’.

NEW! Subscribe to our weekly Gooner Fanzine newsletter for all the latest news, views, and videos from the intelligent voice of Arsenal supporters since 1987.

Please note that we will not share your email address with any 3rd parties.

Article Rating

Leave a comment

Sign-in with your Online Gooner forum login to add your comment. If you do not have a login register here.

35
comments

  1. Sokeye

    Mar 25, 2011, 13:03 #4088

    Don't get me wrong mate, all of us want the best for the club and the manager as well. The problem though is AW either getting outside advice or he is not listening. We have become a nanny club for underperforming players. What annoys me further is him defending them week-in week-out and covering their inept. All he needs to do this summer is immiediatly sell denilson, bendtner, rosicky, diaby and almunia. Replace them with three world class players including an an English defender! Fail this and we are set for another draught. This none of us can accept, true?

  2. Shropshire Lad

    Mar 25, 2011, 6:11 #4083

    Gooner in Provence a good dream but I think you will find it will be a Bold move - pun intended!

  3. Kevin

    Mar 25, 2011, 5:03 #4082

    I am no average fan, I stick with them through thick and thin, I complain when I need to and understand when something does not go our own way, what I certainly do not do is whine like you and many other fans do. I am not saying you are not a through and through fan, but I will tell you and a few other writers on this site that you are so negative and quite honestly drain me when I read your nonsense. Good day fellow gooner, may your blood keep running red and sometimes yella.

  4. Joe Fitzpatrick

    Mar 25, 2011, 2:26 #4080

    Let's hope he doesn't Terminate Jack and Aaron!

  5. HowardL

    Mar 24, 2011, 22:31 #4077

    It's looking like the end of an era. But...Exterminate...? Absolutely not! Arsene has done wonders for Arsenal. For much of his reign the football has been magnificent and worth the high prices. Henry, Bergkamp, Invincibles, total Spud domination and for a time lots of trophies. But no longer - all good things have to come to an end, or so they say. The great man does seem to have got stuck in a time warp and run out of ideas, so maybe it is time to check out the updated version. If Arsenal were a mobile phone we appear to have been left with the old model and a SIM card only contract. Upgrade anyone? But if AW does go he must be allowed to leave with head held high for his overall achievements. Otherwise I for one would not wish to bear responsibility for the consequences. After all, he is named after Arsenal. I will continue to support the team whoever plays and hope for Arsene's wellbeing and sanity that we do win the Premier League, but in all honesty I just can't see it happening.

  6. Ando

    Mar 24, 2011, 19:38 #4073

    I believe the mk1 had problems with the eyesight, he never seemed to see anything before, now that's been ironed out the speech blip has occured. Will this be covered under warranty do you think.

  7. Gooner-in-Provence

    Mar 24, 2011, 11:43 #4063

    @ShropshireLad Perhaps it's Ian Ure.... but on a more serious note, I'll be very happy when Pat Rice retires...... a George Graham/Arsene Wenger combination would be formidable= Defence solid, midfield/attack the best in the world. I can dream can't I :0))

  8. Gooners FOR EVER and EVER

    Mar 24, 2011, 0:31 #4050

    it makes total sense, wenger is a robot controlled by ferguson, if we sack wenger this season, ferguson plan will fail, we need to fire him right now!!!

  9. sokeye

    Mar 23, 2011, 23:05 #4049

    whatever happened to having confidence in the future. let AW go!

  10. Shropshire Lad

    Mar 23, 2011, 21:29 #4047

    Amusing and looking forwardcto the next installment! I hear Mr Rice is retiring and a new no 2 is on the way - an ex Arsenal centre half but not the two constantly quoted. Mind you following your theme a bloody dalek might be useful to scare the crap out of our 'preciouses' in the dressing room right now! Perform, win or exterminate, exterminate........!

  11. Gary

    Mar 23, 2011, 19:03 #4046

    ed enough are we to just sit down and shut up and let Wenger continued his failed project.To watch shite like Almunia Eboue Denilson Diaby and Bendtner still at our club.Need i remind you we pay the highest ticket prices in world football.You may be happy with whats going on but myself and many others have had enough of Wengers failure to buy quality players when the title was there for winning as in 08 and last season.Enough is Enough

  12. Gooner-in-Provence

    Mar 23, 2011, 17:06 #4044

    @ed enough, we are all arsenal supporters here, and I would suspect, none of them would want to see Wenger go. But the point is, I think, is that he needs to change his thinking about how a team can win a trophey! For me, there is not one other manager out there who could do a better job than Wenger, however, teams cannot win trophies on attractive, attacking football alone. They need a balance and they need one or two players who can get behind their teamates and urge them on to win. Arsenal don't have that at the moment, Cesc for all his skill and presence, is not a Tony Adams or Martin Keown? Wilshere may one day be in that mold, but he isn't yet. Where Wenger has gone wrong is structuring his team around a creative midfield and not structuring it around a strong defence. It doesn't matter how much you have possession and score goals, if your defence leaks goals. He needs a strong willed 2nd in command. I loved Pat Rice when he played for the Gunners, but as Wengers No 2, forget it. I watch him on the bench every game and he's got about as much passion as Ghandi in a whorehouse! So, contribute to the discussion in a more constructive fashion, or don't contribute.

  13. Mar 23, 2011, 16:45 #4043

    dear ed, dont agree at all. ive been here longer than he has. he doesnt own the club we do. change happens when people speak up. he doesnt have to leave but he does have to change because if he doesnt were fighting for 6th place next year you will see

  14. dan

    Mar 23, 2011, 14:27 #4041

    he's an imposter,i reckon the real arsene wenger has been locked away in a cupboard....

  15. ed enough

    Mar 23, 2011, 14:17 #4039

    My god....aren't you lot getting bored with banging on about the same old shite on here....Wenger's here to stay until he walks and you all need to get on with it..end of.

  16. Louis xiv complex

    Mar 23, 2011, 13:20 #4038

    gooner in provence well said. i am convinced if you asked viera, petit, berkhamp, what was it like to be around Ian wright, keown, adams, dixon, parlour, winterburn they would all reconfirm what we now suspect, that is these guys were a massive influence on them. Mcleish the birm manager was fergy's ex captain and centre half at aberdeen and he instinctly knew, plus a quick chat with fergy, how to deal with arsenal at wembley. their will to win won them the cup. when the going gets tough this arsenal team has zero fight zero bottle and like it or not to win the EPL you need it. worst of all chelsea, manu u, spurs, portsmouth under harry, all mirrored what they thought wenger had done in blending power and strength at back with more grace going forward. fact is wenger didnt do it. it was done for him by a combination of what he inherited and what he brought in.

  17. Frank

    Mar 23, 2011, 12:36 #4036

    Ferguson wants to win trophies season in season out.Its a bad season if United win nothing.Wenger is happy to earn his £6m a year by getting into the top 4.Remember his stupid comment that a top 4 finish was the same as winning a trophy.With a mentality like that is it any wonder we dont win anything anymore?If the manager has that attitude it is bound to rub off on the players

  18. Middle East Stand

    Mar 23, 2011, 11:23 #4032

    watching the news these days its very much time for downtrodden masses to rise up and ask long time dictators to be more democratic - is there a message here ?

  19. Gooner-in-Provence

    Mar 23, 2011, 11:01 #4031

    @Richard, a funny article. Arsenal at the moment have no 'alpha males' including Arsene Wenger. Tony Adams, Keown, Bould, Seaman, Viera, and before them, Mclintock, Storey, Graham, Simpson were alpha males and fought till the end. Just look at english history, Agincourt for example, 3-5000 men against 40,000 noble frenchmen, they went there and won a decisive battle against all odds. British will to win. Arsenal need alpha males in the back four, leaders who will not give up, who will tell their teammates, like Henry V, 'come on fellows, we can win this'. The french noblemen gave up and went home to their comfortable and warm castles. I not saying that foriegn players cannot do the same, Zidane, Viera, Nasri have the same will to win, but basically, it is a British thing, seige mentality, underdog against the rest of the world. I hate to say it, but Ferguson has it, a la 'William Wallace' and he has ewperienced players like Scholes, Giggs and Carrick who have it too. Unfortunately for us, although Wenger has introduced attractive football, he is like the french noblemen and blames the bad state of the battlefield for his defeats. I live in France and witness this mentality everytime I visit a bar to watch a french football or rugby game. If their team scores, they clap...... if that was in an english pub, the whole pub would erupt like a load of 'radio rental' nutters..... thats the difference and thats why the gunners need to rebuild a back four from British alpha males.... cos foreign players generally don't have the seige mentality which British history has bestowed upon Britons.

  20. Mark

    Mar 23, 2011, 10:35 #4030

    dear AKB's, you are way too easily pleased ! wengers first 5 years benefited from the great work done by GG / DD. it was GG who really turned around a club that in 1986 was totally lost thanks to Terry Neil / Don Howe. Wenger got very luck to pick up GG's squad plus Dennis Berkhamp and Viera, Petit, Annelka etc became top players also because of the group of players they joined at the time with the unbelievabel spirit that lot had. Since 2006 all that past has totally gone from the club. Wenger didnt know how to blend old with new and went for new everything like the power freak he is. lets face it you have to be bloody arrogant to not ask people like Seamen, Admams, Keown, Henri, Berkhamp to stay involved with the club. For sure fergy will made certain Giggs, Scholes, Neville will be at man u as forever as possible. this is called creating a dynasty and it works unless the past gets ripped up !

  21. CD

    Mar 23, 2011, 10:12 #4028

    I feel your frustration Richard, and you have expressed it very well through a humourous article. Lets all hope the next installment has Wenger released from the shackles of that evil Fergie!!

  22. Chris Surrey Gunner

    Mar 23, 2011, 9:54 #4027

    Arsene certainly need his brain and circuits rewiring, as any Manager that can allow his goalkeeoing situation to come down to the total embaresment of last Satuarday needs an immediate hot wire! How can a club of our stature be in such a situation, and to bring in Lehman, then announce to the fans that he's not fit enough, again is just unproffesional, please can we rescue the real Arsene, and short circuit this robot imposter!!

  23. Matt

    Mar 23, 2011, 9:34 #4026

    This article is puerile and humourless.

  24. chris dee

    Mar 23, 2011, 9:32 #4025

    As long as we have fans who reply to any critisism of the current situation with the usual bilge of 'I have supported The Gunners for years and can remember worse times than now,and we should be happy with our lot and that 95% of clubs woulds be happy with our success' then we have no chance of moving forward. I've said it before and it's worth repeating,Arsenal were the biggest club in the world in the 1930's.But everytime we hit upon a brief period of success we never but never push on to the next level. The next level? Being part of the elite of European football. Winning League Championships consistently and Champions League titles.It is to the eternal shame of this current board and manager and previous boards and managers that we have never won the Champions League.We are not,as much as we like to beleive we are,a Barca,Real Madrid,United,Liverpool,AC Milan,Inter or Bayern Munich.They are the elite.I want us to be part of that elite. So anyone offering excuses,or accepting defeats like the Birmingham result or the predictable way we continually lose to United as being 'one of those things' is holding the club back. I don't give a monkeys about Wenger or any of the players if they are not delivering silverware for my club.My loyalty is to the club not them. We want to be a truly succesful and major club? Then don't accept being 'quite succesful'.Barca,Real Madrid,A C Milan etc wouldn't.

  25. herbzoverrum

    Mar 23, 2011, 9:28 #4024

    seems like some of the fans were abducted too,given a chip in their brains .. programmed to trust in arsne no matter what. if they had a chance to have mourinho or guardiola what would they do? their heads would explode,what will they do when he decides to retire?maybe they will retire with him.. its like wenger is bigger than arsenal nowadays

  26. Mar 23, 2011, 9:18 #4023

    John, while love for the club may be unconditional, it doesn't mean you have to support the way they are being mismanaged and allowed to stagnate. Indeed, love means caring enough to want to change things radically so that they can stop going down the wrong path.

  27. barry the gooner

    Mar 23, 2011, 8:46 #4021

    it seems as though he has lost the ability to motify the team,the same reason that Prince Albert gave him his cards at monaco.Pat Rice may as well be a ball boy such is his contribution we can see the total lack of defensive application what is the matter with the Board?

  28. Brigham

    Mar 23, 2011, 8:44 #4020

    @ King Arsene, You continue to have your trust in him, but I am beginning to lose patience with a manager who is quite clearly tactically naive. Funny article by the way, but could it actually be true? LOL

  29. John

    Mar 23, 2011, 8:29 #4019

    A more interesting question would be: Whatever happened to Arsenal supporters? Instead of supporting the team, they whine and moan on blogs, undermining the team. Remember: Ooh to, ooh to be, ooh to be a gunner!! Stop slagging off the manager and it's players leave it for when the season is over, we can still win the league - SUPPORT THE TEAM!!!!

  30. The Happening

    Mar 23, 2011, 8:19 #4018

    HAHA! I'm a big fan of sci-fi Richard, but in the famous novel 'do androids dream of electric sheep' AKA Bladrunner, there were androids who rebelled against their hardwired souls and went out in a blaze of glory! Looking forward to the next installment come May!

  31. dev

    Mar 23, 2011, 8:17 #4017

    hahahahaha..excellent

  32. Dan

    Mar 23, 2011, 7:55 #4016

    Whiny fair weather fans.... Yep, Arsenal have got em in spades. They are here to embarrass the hell out of the club and the decent supporters.

  33. King Arsene (In AW We Trust)

    Mar 23, 2011, 7:40 #4015

    In Arsene we trust. Without hin we'd be nothing.

  34. Mickeyk

    Mar 23, 2011, 7:05 #4014

    Arsenal won't win the league not a chance.ps get Jimmy dimmer back in goal.

  35. Jimmy

    Mar 23, 2011, 6:58 #4013

    In 15 seasons with Wenger as Arsenal manager 10 of those seasons have been TROPHYLESS.So why is every one getting worked up.Under George Graham in 8 seasons we won trophies in 5 of those seasons.Wenger is a serial LOSER.We should all know that by now.And he wounldnt get away with it at any other top European club