Ian Tanner
RVP, our MVP (that’s American-speak for Most Valuable Player), is a hat-trick away from being described as a 40-goals-a-season striker. Yao Gervinho is already a four-goals-a-season striker. To be fair, though, he could easily be a five-goals-a-season striker; in the 19th minute at Stoke City he almost gave us the lead. And he would have, too, had he “dipped for the line” – get used to the athletics clichés over the summer. Alternatively, had his hair-parting been to either side, rather than perfectly symmetrical, he’d have made contact with Sagna’s inviting cross. Arsene describes our latest shot-shy Ivorian as a rough diamond and I admire his general play, agreeing with the excellent Stewart Robson that he’s had a good first season - goals apart. But the numerous missed chances is driving us to distraction, as are those of Aaron Ramsey. Perhaps Lukas Podolski will help to polish their finishing skills (double geddit?).
Having initially “bigged up” Wales’s captain, my doubts are growing. Yes, Arsene, it is effectively Aaron’s first season, not third, thanks to Stoke’s thuggish Ryan Shawcross, but how can such a talented player show so little composure in front of goal? Moreover, he’s increasingly dispossessed whilst musing over the perfect sideways pass. Like Arsene, I’d love to see a video of this season’s Arsenal non-penalties. When did we last go an entire league campaign without any at THOF? ManU had nine at OT and Citeh have had seven so far at Middle Eastlands. A montage of Ramsey and Gervinho misses may be too large for one DVD. If next season’s compilation does fit on one disc, let’s hope it’s because they’ve both converted a higher proportion of sitters, and not that they are failing to get into scoring positions, or, more likely, that technology has improved again, enabling more information (for which read fluffed chances) to be stored. Talking of DVDs, let’s hope Podolski does not see Saturday’s 90-minute horror show. Come Sunday, he may rue his over-eagerness to sign up. If his countrymen cannot beat Chelski, it could be Europa League Thursday, Premier League Sunday next season.
Trying to make sense of it all is probably a sign of madness. Never try to rationalise an irrationality. Citeh walloped the Canaries twice this season by an aggregate 11-2, yet never attempted to come-out-and-fight – the deranged Mario Balotelli excepted – when they visited us, even though at the time a point was little use as they played (8 points) catch-up to their noisy neighbours. Yet Norwich City, with a fraction of Citeh’s firepower and financial muscle, humiliated us for large passages. Yossi’s goal was our only first-half shot on target in a must-win game against a team supposedly “en vacances” but who actually played like mustard (geddit?). Perhaps Delia cooked them a high-protein brekkie. Have a slice, boys, of Delia’s delicious delights; it’s one I prepared earlier.
I’ve written before about Arsenal’s over-celebration of goals and the resultant costly concentration lapses. I even got to pose a related question to Arsene at a shareholders’ Q&A before such events were sidelined, reluctantly contrasting our players’ attitude with Manchester United’s. Nothing has changed, regrettably and inexcusably. Ashley Young retrieved the ball after scoring United’s second against Swansea, eager for more. The previous day, as I’d feared, our players over-celebrated and switched off (see below), enabling Norwich to embarrass us. Having not worked even half-a-day in football, I was never going to be invited to give the pre-match team talk. If bestowed with that honour, this is what I’d have said:
“We are one point and one goal ahead of Spurs, meaning that if we lose at WBA and Spurs gain four points from six, all will rest on whether our victory today is better than Spurs’. We therefore need as wide a margin of victory as possible. This game is not a 3-pointer; it’s a 4-pointer. You’ve had a full week’s rest since Stoke, so no bullsh*t, please, about being tired and not playing the full 90. Goal celebrations are to restricted to a manly handshake or metrosexual high-five as you jog back to your kick-off positions. You can celebrate fully after the final whistle if you’ve beaten a side who played in League 1 two seasons ago.”
We know that none of the above was uttered. First, witness the celebrations when Yossi scored. Second, incredibly, read Arsene’s post-match website interview. I quote: “… we were very poor in the first half, not switched on [see above] … maybe subconsciously [we thought] we would win it …”
Obviously our players were told to merely win the game (if they were told anything), and not to go for as many goals as possible. Are we really contemplating sending 4-figure sums with our season ticket renewal forms to financially support these on-field and off-field so-called professionals? We must be mad.
