Joe Fitzpatrick and Tyler Durden
Warning: this article is the product of a diseased mind. The person who wrote this is probably dangerous. This could be written by the sweet but slightly weird-looking guy who sits near you on match days. This article could have been written by you. When did you last sleep?
Firstly, thank you for gathering here today. It is here and only here that we can fully escape from our petty problems and talk about the only thing that truly matters in each of our cookie-cutter, carbon-copy, mindless little worker-bee lives. You are not your job! You are not your age! You are not your bank balance, your national insurance number, and you are most certainly not who you imagine yourself or dream to be. You are not your television commercials, you are not your high-up tube-train advertisements. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake. We are all part of the same stinking compost-heap. We are all the members of a semi-anonymous weekend club where we vent our weekly frustrations and pent-up rage whist forming an iron ring of angry Ikea furniture-owning men while some other dudes go at it 100mph in the middle of that beautiful ring. You are not your gender. Never ever question your sexuality. Pull a lever. Push a button. The first primates shot into space didn't understand any of it and then they just died. Alone and confused.
You are an Arsenal space monkey and I am Tyler Durden, and I am here to tell you the truth. I don't want your money. I don't want your friendship. I don't want your pity or admiration. I just want what exactly you want. I want to WIN and, yes, I want you to be part of that victory.
Wiser men than me have said "a people will always get the government they deserve." If you agree with that mightily profound statement, then you might just take a small leap of imagination with me and apply the same logic to the multi-million-dollar football club formerly known as Arsenal F.C.
For you see. my fellow Arsenal space-monkeys, the logic says that if governments can brainwash people into accepting a much s***tier deal in life, they will. They do this because it maximises their profit, wealth and level of power over you. Expectation management. And then you just die.
This is going to hurt. This is going to burn worse than you have ever been burned before, but I can assure you that the coming pain is a necessary step in your impending enlightenment.
Arsène Wenger has lied to you. That's right, face it! Face your fear! He told us he would step down when he realised that he could not take us any further. He lied to us because either he is addicted to the power that he has amassed at Arsenal over the years or he is just in deep denial. Probably both. Let us take a look at this collection of little quotes that just rolled off of his slippery, forked, politician’s tongue after the Norwich fiasco. I will then of course be adding my own haiku-writing, enlightened Tibetan Monk-style thoughts to each one.
Let me be the crashing yang to the delicate yin of Arsène.
“I feel mentally we were not switched on to play a game of that stature in the first half”.
I am Jack's complete and utter lack of surprise.
Oh...We were not mentally switched on! Well, that's ok then. That's just great! For a minute there, I thought we were gonna have a major problem. Just one question for ya, guy - who is responsible for the players being "switched on", as you call it? Last time I checked, it was your f***ing job to do that, you steaming, freshly-applied human butt-wipe! You better find the "ON" switch sometime soon, Monsignor, or the Arsenal-supporting waiter at your next lavish supporter-funded banquet might just pass an amount of urine directly into your soup, fart on your meringue or add a special ingredient to your peach cobbler.
“We were absolutely poor defensively today, which is quite surprising because recently we have been solid."
Take a look at our goals-conceded tally, and come back here and tell me that we have been solid. We concede on average more than a goal a game, and you are going to tell me porkie-pies like "we have been solid". I'm not sure if you believe in your own bulls**t or not but, when I hear those words coming from your lips, I start to worry. Your team has no defensive game-plan at all! The only decent holding-midfielder in the squad is inexplicably asked to play as an attacking midfielder, and our defenders are constantly let down by the players in front of them. Your whole game-plan is based upon your obsession with retaining possession, but you completely ignore the reality that you also have to have a contingency plan for when you finally lose the ball. If your midfielders are not winning the ball, or covering for defenders who are out of position when an attack breaks down, you will achieve nothing. Remember Petit, Vieira and Gilberto Silva? Anyone?
“We came back into the game, we had a great second half, but again we made the mistakes at the back which were absolutely unbelievable. It is a big disappointment because when you come back into the game like we did from 2-1 and then give a goal away in the way that we did. At the back everybody was absolutely horrendous for the third goal. It is just not acceptable. We can play them offside with a bit of intelligence and I feel that the way we conceded the goal was just unexplainable.”
Not acceptable? Yes. Horrendous? Yes. Unexplainable? What the f*** are you waffling on about? This is very much the house that Jack built now, or rather the squad that Arsène built, and the buck must stop with you right now. You simply cannot coach the defensive side of the game. Arsène. You are not going to catch everybody offside 100% of the time and to rely solely on the offside trap is simply pure and utter garbage coaching. Toilet management. 100% Recycled toilet-paper management system. Bring back Tony Adams, Martin Keown and Lee Dixon to do the work that you obviously do not want to do. You can develop Wilshere, Chamberlain and co into future superstars, but you are never going to produce a defender like Puyol, Terry, Ferdinand, Vidic or Tony Adams. It's just not your thing. Don't cry Arsène... It's ok... At least you are half a decent coach. Hey listen; if you want to see real pain why don't you swing by "Remaining men together", the testicular cancer group that meets at the Presbyterian church on Thursday nights?
You must finally see now that no one man is bigger than THIS little club of ours, Arsène. Nobody. No one.
Even as we speak, I have a team of Arsenal space-monkeys from project mayhem working on a plan involving bar-soap chloroform that will result in the thought-reform of one Sr. Josep Guardiola. Now all we need is a submarine.
