Joe Fitzpatrick 
I know what you all must be thinking with a title like that juicy little b***er lurking up there, looming ominously above these words that you are reading now. You are thinking, "That's it! He's finally lost it completely! I knew that, one day, this would happen". All I can ask of you is that you at least hear me out before you crucify me; that's all. If you choose to do so, you will see that what I am writing is the absolute truth, and that it is actually a fantastic piece of news for the club, despite what you might first think. I promise that you will all fall in line with my way of thinking on this issue eventually. Trust me.
I have obtained copies of several recorded telephone conversations from a friendly source whom I cannot disclose at this present time for fear of this individual losing a very highly paid job, I have, however, decided that it is my sworn duty as a loyal Gooner to transcribe these conversations for your immediate perusal even if it does mean losing a close personal friend of mine. Such is life.
This could be bigger than the Watergate scandal was. I've never transcribed a telephone conversation before, but I can assure you that this is a 100% accurate transcription. Word for word, scouts honour...
The Terry tapes: Conversation 12b. The recording device emits a soft click as it begins to play. A sharp dial-tone sounds loudly, followed by a distinctive *Ring* *Ring*, *Ring* *Ring*
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: Allo?
Mr. X: Brazilian Midfielder, 5ft 9", Talk to me!
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C: Excuse me? Who am I speaking with please?
Mr. X: Call me Terry. Terry Tibbs.
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C: Ah! Mr. Tibbs! The news of your succession to Dick Law as Arsenal’s chief negotiator is the hottest story on all of the sports pages right now! What can I do for you today, Mr. Tibbs?
Terry Tibbs: Great, you've heard of me. That saves us a bit of time, and if there's one thing I don't have enough of, it's time. I see that you've got my boy, Denilson, over there on loan at the moment. How's he getting on?
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: Just fine Mr. Tibbs, just fine.
Terry Tibbs: What do you mean by "Fine"? If everything is so bloody "fine", then maybe you might be kind enough to explain to me why you haven't made a f***ing bid for the kid yet? For crying out loud! How much time do you need to make a bloody decision? You remind me a lot of my third wife, you do. She could never decide which of her expensive frocks to wear of an evening. You don't have that same problem too, do you, son? I can't do business with you if you are sitting over there wearing some kind of a dress! You don't wear a dress when you're trying to do business with Terry Tibbs!
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: No I'm sorry Mr. Tibbs, but we have already signed a loan agreement with your predecessor. I have the papers here in my office.
Terry Tibbs: Alright, alright, I know that my predecessor was named Dick and he was obviously trying to live up to that stupid f***ing name of his! Loan agreement. for crying out loud! I'm trying to run a football club over herem Pedro, not a f***ing library!
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: My name isn't Pedro. My name is Joao Paulo and we are perfectly happy with the loan agreement that we have already signed with your club.
Terry Tibbs: There's a bit of an echo on the line, are you pissing?
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: excuse me?
Terry Tibbs: Listen here, you don't piss when you're trying to do business with Terry Tibbs. You sit down in the front room, have a nice cup of tea and tell Uncle Terry all about this Lucas Moura fella who's got Sir Alex Ferguson as randy as a Latvian hooker on speed.
Sporting director of Sao Paulo F.C.: Moura is a fine player, Mr. Tibbsm but we are not interested in selling him at the present time.
Terry Tibbs: You haven't heard my offer yet! Let me tickle you! I'll put my index finger under your chin, give it a little wiggly wig, offer you a permanent deal for Denilson, Chamakh, Ju Young Park and 15 million of our finest English pounds. You say "Thank you very much Terry" and Robert’s your mother’s brother, we have ourselves a little deal.
