Peter Le Beau
They say that a sure sign of madness is doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome. By that reckoning, I am afraid Mr Wenger, our esteemed leader, might be on his way to the funny farm, because if ever a man repeated the habits and, more disturbingly, the errors of the past it is he.
This month’s 25th anniversary edition of the Gooner contains an interesting interview with the estimable Kieran O’Connor, who writes that exceptional blog on football finance, “The Swiss Ramble”.
If you care about Arsenal and really want to understand what is going on at the club, might I commend to you his blog on Arsenal written in early October. It will certainly educate you more about what is really happening than attendance at the Shareholder’s AGM (which I didn’t attend) or the Gazidis love-in with the AST in the summer, which I did.
Most of you will be familiar with the American film “Groundhog Day”, where Bill Murray wakes up every morning and goes through exactly the same pattern of events day after day. Sadly, I believe we are living through “Groundhog Season”. Exactly the same thing happens before, during and after each season and nothing positive is ever done about it. The difference is that Groundhog Day was a comedy, but I didn’t see too many people laughing at the Emirates on Wednesday night.
Of course, if the Groundhog Season comes to pass we will still finish fourth in the League (which of course now represents a trophy – yeah, right!), lose in the last 16 of the Champions League, slip out at quarter-final stage in the Capital One Cup, and depart the FA Cup when the pressure of maintaining all this success just gets too much. At the last home game of the season we will urge Arsène to spend some f***ing money and try to work out which of the forlorn heroes on the lap of honour will not be returning. It’s quite easy. It’s usually the most valuable players, you know - the ones Ivan Gazidis and Wenger assure us will not be sold under any circumstances.
Following this, our season tickets will come up for renewal just as we sign an interesting (but reasonably priced) international forward to make us all think the purse strings are being loosened.
No chance! We will be linked with hundreds of players but fail to provide the back-up we need in goal, at left-back and upfront. We will sign a couple of international attacking midfield players because we will sadly have about five seriously injured players being treated in the medical room (often the same ones who are treated every season) and then, just when we look well set for the season with an impressive squad, we will cave in to the pressure to sell Cazorla and Koscielny and then bemoan the fact that there is not enough time to sign replacements because the transfer window has gone crazy. Arsène will assure us he will be working until midnight on 31st August to reinforce the squad but will depart for a cup of cocoa and a read of L’Equipe at 5.30 pm as Sky Sports search in vain for him.
In January, despite pressing injury problems and the need to improve the squad, we will wait until the end of the month (because the transfer window has gone crazy) and on January 31st re-sign Robert Pires in the great tradition of re-signing an Invincible every winter transfer window. Nevertheless, when Diaby and Rosicky return, they will be like “new signings” and recruiting an experienced back-up keeper will “kill” Fabianski, so we won’t do it. Fabianski will then be pronounced out injured for the rest of the season. During the rest of the season, we will hear from Gazidis about the imminent demise of the mega-rich clubs and then Chelsea will pay themselves £350 million to name Stamford Bridge “the Blue Kremlin”.
Just before Christmas, Iniesta, Xavi and a rota of Barça players will proclaim Cazorla as having Barca DNA. In retaliation, we will sign a 15 year-old left back from their academy at La Masia. Up yours Barça! And so on and so on. You know the rest. You have lived it for the last seven seasons and it shows no signs of being any different. Except that this season, despite the kneejerk reactions that Bouldy would sort the defence, Diaby would finally assume the mantle of Patrick Vieira, and Giroud and Podolski would be brilliant replacements for Van Payslip, recent performances have plumbed a depth that we have never seen before. One year, the one element of Groundhog Day that will unwind is that the team won’t be good enough to get fourth place, and Wenger will have to assure us that the Europa League is like winning a trophy.
This is a bitter refrain but, sadly, I think it’s a fair one. That forensic analysis from Swiss Ramble shows that the reason we have a cash mountain is (despite the fact that our much-vaunted financial model doesn’t work, and because we pay fairly ineffective commercial staff mega-salaries and mediocre players salaries they couldn’t get anywhere else in world football... and because our kit and stadium naming deals look pathetic in comparison with our competitors’)... we have a solution. We sell our best players to turn a profit and keep Silent Stan happy.
Ah, Silent Stan! I wonder if one of the big questions all Gooners want to ask is why he finds the need to wear that ridiculous “syrup” in public? As a very bald man myself, I think it tells us a huge amount about his insecurities. Come on Stan, do yourself a favour and come out as a slaphead—and while you are about it maybe you could reveal what your plans are for the Club in which you have invested not a penny since becoming the major shareholder. How good of you, by the way, to come over to London to see the team play twice in a week! Possibly this has more to do with the presence of the St Louis Rams in London than any newfound interest in Soccer (as he is bound to call it).
Peter Hill-Wood gets very little right but I think his first reaction to Kroenke was perfect. Stan, we don’t want “your sort” over here. By your sort we mean a uninterested absentee landlord whose sole interest in Arsenal is financial and who has no interest in sacrificing income for playing success.
While you’re at it, Stan, maybe you could take Gazidis with you. People ask what he has done to earn £2.15 million? Protect his Master’s back is what he has done, and ensure that all is serene at Ashburton Grove. In fact it’s so serene that it repeats itself every year.
So what can alter this state of affairs that so infuriates us? Perhaps the realisation that fans want more than participation in the Champions League. They want to believe they can win it rather than being comprehensively outplayed by a decent but far from outstanding German side at home in the qualifying rounds. Perhaps also they’d like Wenger to go into a season with a proper, balanced squad with no holes and one that doesn’t immediately go down injured so it has almost a whole team in the treatment room six league games into the season.
We want different, but different-better not different-worse. We want to believe that Arsenal care enough to pay more than £16 million for a player and set their horizons at the stars. For fans, football is about fantasy, not profit. And, exciting though some fans think Arsenal’s football is, we don’t want another Groundhog season. A great club and great supporters deserve much better.
