Ian Tanner
Last week, within the space of 24 hours, there were disgraceful performances from two Old Etonians on their different London stages. On Wednesday, at Prime Minister’s Questions, David Cameron abused shamelessly his position and power, making political capital from knowing privileged, price-sensitive information by declaring that the good economic news would continue in response to taunts from Ed Millipede (as he’s known amongst my friends). Though Number 10 (no, not Jack Wilshere) denies it, this was a clear reference to the UK’s third quarter GDP (Gross Domestic Product) figures due to be released next day, which were significantly better than expected. Either you know all about this, in which case I’m wasting my time, or you do not care – perhaps you live abroad (lucky Gooner) – in which case I’m wasting my time. You should care about what follows, however.
Next morning, Peter Hill-Wood chaired the Arsenal Holdings PLC 2012 Annual General Meeting in his inimitable way. As the assembled already knew, PH-W is well past his sell-by date. Thursday, though, he was even more bumbling and embarrassing than usual, which is no mean feat. His sort (geddit?) think themselves gentlemen and like to portray that image but he’s actually very rude, as well as condescending, arrogant and a total f****** snob. When some dissenters raised their hands against consecutive Resolutions, PH-W responded: “Same lot”, an appalling response to a democratic vote. We simply have to get rid of this liability and total embarrassment. I was seated in the second row; my friend whispered to me: “Who is chairing this meeting?”, a question I was already pondering as Ivan Gazidis had become de facto Chairman of increasingly fractious exchanges. A question about recent dialogue with Arsenal’s large minority shareholder led P H-W to ask was that Red and White Holdings? Guffaws aplenty from the great unwashed. Incredible. PH-W lost any semblance of control, partly as he could not hear many comments from the floor (that were clear to us) but mainly because he can no longer think on his feet (if he ever could). Father Time calls us all, of course, but when he does one should step aside or, at the very least, take a back seat. Farewell, Peter, we most definitely will not miss you.
I submitted a question for the AGM by the 17th October deadline based on my 28th September OnlineGooner article, The Spanish Imposition. To summarise, the muppets at Arsenalplayer keep spelling Santi Cazorla’s surname incorrectly. He’s played twelve times this season and only twice – Montpellier and Schalke 04 – have they spelt it correctly. For the first four games it was Carzola, before fifth time lucky in France. At Citeh, Arsenalplayer reverted to type - or should that be mis-type? – leading to my article, which I naively hoped someone at Arsenal would read and act upon. The fiasco continued for Chelsea and Olympiacos. At West Ham, though, they invented the then novelty: Carzorla. Talk about rolling your Rs! Exasperated, I then sent in my AGM question. Receiving a call from Number Withheld – if you know of a worse business practice, please call me (geddit?) – I let it go to voicemail, as is my wont. A garbled message (surprise, surprise) was left but I managed to locate the person at AFC who wanted to discuss my question. I was at pains to explain that I did not need to ask my question, that all I really wanted was to expedite the righting of this wrong. As far as I was concerned, if she, pretty please, would ensure that her relevant colleagues were made aware immediately of this error, and acted thereon, that would be the end of the matter from my standpoint.
Numbers withheld and garbled messages aside, it transpires that no-one at Arsenal talks to anyone else. At Norwich City, on 20th October, the lamentable performance on the pitch was matched off it. Carzorla it was. I phoned to complain, leaving a message. Hours before Schalke 04, on the eve of the AGM, another Number Withheld, another message; this one more intelligible. Apologies were offered for the continued mis-spelling; my lady had been assured that such would be rectified in future but that if I still wished to ask my question I would be called. Cannot say fairer than that, I thought, so, magnanimous to the end, I in turn left her a message, that there was no need for me to be called (I wasn’t), that I had no wish to embarrass anyone publicly. And that, I naively concluded, was the end of the matter as Cazorla’s name was spelt correctly later that evening for only the second time.
And so to QPR and Carzorla yet again. As you will not need telling, two chances are rarely enough these days, on the pitch and evidently off it also. To use the vernacular, I’m so totally through; Arsenal FC deserve to be publicly embarrassed over this. As Bruce Forsyth used to say on The Generation Game, let’s have a look at the old scoreboard: Cazorla 2, Carzola 7, Carzorla 3.
This is how Arsenal Football Club pays homage to its Player of the Month for August and September.
