Adrian Wagenaar
When Mancini selected 6'4" Dzeko to lead the line against us last “Super Sunday”, I fully expected Arsène Wenger to counter that threat by selecting Mertesacker, but I was not too surprised when Koscielny was given the nod – why wouldn’t you select a full-back to play centre-half!
As we all know, that plan fell apart after ten minutes and, apart from Jack Wilshere, who is our leader in all but name, the team capitulated to a familiar defeat. When you have run out, like I have, of expressing your despair at how your team is sliding into oblivion, you tend to come up with more manic examples to describe that despair. Well, when City’s second goal went in, it hit me – Wenger reminds me of an episode of Hancock’s Half Hour written in 1959 by Galton & Simpson (later the Steptoe and Son writers) called “The football pools”.
The storyline is as follows - Hancock is checking his football pools with Sid James and discovers that he has seven draws and needs one more for the jackpot. There is one more remaining game but it is a late kick-off. The game is Chelsea vs East Cheam United (those of you old enough to have followed Hancock would know he lived at 23 Railway Cuttings, East Cheam). They decide to go to the game to see if they can both cheer for a draw.
Paying two shillings to get in (10 pence in new money), the two take their place on the terrace in an attempt to influence the game. After being level for a while at 1-1, East Cheam go in at half-time leading 3-1. Needing a draw to win the jackpot, Sid James has a cunning plan. The two of them gain entry to the East Cheam dressing-room with Sid claiming to be a new director. Puffing on a big cigar, as directors did in those days, he introduces Hancock to the team and, I quote, “this is Professor Hancock who is an expert in time and motion and the correct application of aptitude in the human athlete to gain maximum response from the body at any given time” (heard that before?).
Needing to get Chelsea back in the game, Hancock puts their plan into action. As he turns to the smallest player the plan starts to unravel.
TH, “Where do you play”
Cheam Player, “Right-wing”
TH, “You’re in goal”
The goalie asks “Well, where do I now play?”
TH, “Can you shoot?”
Goalie, “No”
TH, “Centre-forward”
TH, “Who’s left-footed?”
Cheam player, “I am”
TH, “Right-back”
TH, “Who’s right-footed?”
Cheam Player, “I am”
TH, “Left-back”
TH, “who can’t head a ball?”
Cheam Player, “I can’t”
TH, “ Centre-half”
TH, “Who are the two slowest players?”
Cheam players, “We are”
TH, “OK, you’re right-wing and you’re left-wing”.
Then Hancock tells them - as soon as it’s 3-3, swap back to your normal positions. The second half, which featured the diminutive comedy-actor Johnny Vyvyan playing the goalkeeper, sees Chelsea bring it back to 3-3 but the Cheam players forget to change back to their normal positions and they lose 15-3.
OK, so I am being very cruel here but, if you asked me whether Wenger is closer to Ferguson or the role Hancock is playing, well for me it is the “late and great” rotund figure from Railway Cuttings that wins it every time!
After all, doesn’t Ramsey play wide? Have I not seen Sagna play at left-back? And don’t we have two full-backs playing centre-half? Did we not start the game with a player who has not had one competitive game since last September? Don’t we have a player away on ACN duty who has played centre-forward who can’t shoot, and finally a player who can’t head the ball, holding out for a £100K a week, providing he plays at centre-forward?!
As you can tell, I am now very desperate and will say or do anything, within reason, to stop my team from becoming next season’s Aston Villa, because without some serious money being spent and changes at board and managerial levels that is the direction in which we are heading.
Those disbelievers can catch the episode online here
