Ian Tanner
Our game against Hull City - or was it Hull Tigers? – broke a mini sequence: our previous two Premier League home matches, against Liverpool and Southampton, gave an opportunity to both the home and the away team to be table-toppers at final whistle. Dear Norris, I doubt that this is “a record” – by which I mean a first - but when did it last happen at an English professional ground?
Hull were never going to continue that trend. I’m not meaning to “diss” Steve Bruce’s side, especially after they outplayed those lovable Scouse Scallies 3-1 on Sunday; with a four-point lead over the field at kick-off, we were always going to be top at 10 o’clock.
Talking of Hull’s possible name-change, like all admirers of footballing trivia, I’m hoping that the status quo is maintained because, as you know, Hull City are the only league team whose name does not contain a single letter that can be “coloured in” (viz. a, b, d, e, g, o, p and q). Long may that “record” remain.
Some bad news for those who think the purchase of Mesut Ozil, the only German to ever miss a penalty, will be the first of many “marquee” signings. As Arsene and Ivan Gazidis are always at pains to explain to supporters’ groups, when Arsenal sign a player they look not just at the headline purchase price that provides endless perverse fascination for all and sundry (as Adam said to Eve, the bigger, the better), but take into account also the player’s wages over the lifetime of his contract. To my mind, that does not seem entirely unreasonable, especially in our increasingly risk-averse, ‘elf & safety-obsessed world. Assuming Captain Nemo is “on” two hundred grand a week for five years, a figure in excess of £90 million needs to be put aside, figuratively or mentally, to secure the services of our German with the ultra-short – not to mention stu-stu-stuttering (geddit?) - run-up at penalties. (I’ve never seen Ozil play cricket, but doubt very much he’s a fast-bowler) With £90 million approximating to one-third of our annual turnover, one such signing every two years or so is probably the most we can hope for to augment our squad. As they say in America: do the math.
But the bad news doesn’t stop there. As no-hopers such as Aaron Ramsey and our latest clown-between-the-sticks, Wojciech Szczesny, are given extended and, presumably, enhanced contracts, there will be even less money in the kitty for our parsimonious Board and manager to spend on a world-class midfielder and goalkeeper. Just a thought.
Success has many fathers, but failure is an orphan, or so says the proverb. Calls for our stubborn and increasingly cantankerous manager to be removed, screaming and kicking if need be, presumably to be replaced by a man with a more impressive curriculum vitae – the applicants’ short-list would indeed be short, possibly even shorter than Ozil’s run-up when he attempts to bowl a Fraulein over (geddit?) – seem to have subsided recently. Concerning the implacable AMG (Arsene Must Go) brigade, “Forgive them, Arsene, for they know not what they wish for.”
