David O’Brien 
Ed’s note – Due to a balls up at the production end, the email with the ‘In the Away End’ regular in the print version of The Gooner was missed, meaning it was not included in the edition currently on sale. So, because it will have dated a bit by the time of issue 254, we are running it here to promote the current issue, which can be bought from sellers on your route to the stadium later today.
‘The only time I went I was in the corporate seats and there was a bloke eating Chinese. With chopsticks. At a f***ing football match. The dirty bastards’.
Good day to you and may I introduce our very dear friends, Stoke City. Stoke fans remind me very much of my wife because they constantly seem to have the hump with us but I can’t really see what we have done wrong.
Anyway, they don’t like our ground either
‘ ‘Been there twice. Both times we lost. Both times it was as soulless and depressing a place I've ever been too. Don't get me wrong it looks impressive from the outside but inside it's as emotionless as Mr Spock's chat up lines, and it's also full of the most abhorrent fans in the world’.
It doesn’t end there
‘ ‘I too have given up the ghost when it comes to the Emirates. Horrible over sanitised place, expensive, an almost inevitable defeat plus the horrible sensation of walking away from the ground with tens of thousands of smug homes fans nonchalantly taking the three points in their stride. Vile. The worst that football has become is there for all to see’
So, we are called ‘the worst that football has become’ by a Rugby team. Actually to be fair to Stoke they have started to play better football then they did under Eminem’s Dad so I’m not going to rise to the bait.
That said, I am reminded of them because when deciding who this months Away End would be about, I chose Stoke because the Rugby World Cup opening ceremony was on.
‘ ‘They should rename it the Pubic hair's Stadium. After all, that is what surrounds a bunch of c****’.
To be honest I have never liked Rugby. In my opinion Rugby fans have too many pockets in their trousers and a lot of clothes made by Karrimor.
‘ ‘In all fairness they are the w***est fans in the league. The numbers are there but the passion, atmosphere etc are not, but saying that why would the Hugo's and Jeremy's of this world lower themselves to chanting at a football match?’
WE ARE TARQUIN’S. NOT F***ING HUGO’S OR JEREMY’S
I once went on a stag do with a number of Rugby fans and they put the groom in a tight fitting Superman outfit then gave him two Viagra.
‘ ‘There's many things that piss me off in this world, speed cameras, Katie Hopkins, reality TV etc but our consistent charity days out at the Emirates are really starting to f*** me off now’.
He had to get on a Ryanair flight to Dublin with what looked like a horse’s handbrake about his person. He couldn’t sit for too long as it was poking him in the stomach. Then he p***ed himself but it all went upwards. He looked like he was wearing a wet tie. All of this was met with great guffawing, as rugger types are prone to do.
Alas back to the game and those Stokies are expecting another defeat, ‘I'm fully expecting a dicking today’. Not the dicking that Ryanair cabin crew got I can tell you!
The opening exchanges were frantic as Stoke clung on while the post saved them. This led to one humorous quip ‘ ‘On top so far. It’s been a vintage 38 seconds’.
But as Jack Butland came to their rescue (unlike the sexually aroused Superman) the posts were less funny, ‘ ‘Jesus f****** Christ it’s going to be a long day’.
And as we threatened to rack up a cricket score (like we always do but it never happens) another Rugby favourite is dropped in, ‘ ‘what the f*** is happening, I am sh**ting myself’
