Alsace Lorraine du Totteridge
There is an episode of Father Ted, where Mrs Doyle and all her friends, being ladies of a certain age, have what amounts to a crush on a young male Irish Television personality. Mrs Doyle expresses her affection and admiration for him by baking a jumper inside a cake. Apropos of that, my partner simply loves Theo Walcott. No matter how many times he stinks the place out, she has faith in him, and feels that he will come good, given the right circumstances.
Well here's the thing.
Theo has been putting in some nasty tackles and shoved a Swansea defender out of the way to get to his first goal on Saturday 15th October. True that he royally screwed up two vital and comparatively easy chances near the end of a game we should have won easily, but he is, well NASTIER.
We can't make Theo any better. We all know that - he is still going to screw things up 50% of the time, but we can make him nastier. How?
Dennis Lillee says that he found Jeff Thompson drinking a few scotch whiskies the evening before an England test match. Why, he asked was he doing this? “Simple mate” said the lethally fast bowler, “I bowl a bit quicker with a hangover”.
Now I’m not suggesting that we get Theo drunk before a game, but I do think that he would benefit from his regular electronic game of choice being switched from FIFA 2016 to TrouserSnakeDeathGambit 2000 or whatever nasty game ‘the kids’ are playing nowadays. Also he should be made to play cards on a Thursday evening with Martin Keown, Tony Adams, Nigel Winterburn Lee Dixon and Mr Ian Edward Wright, so that the right attitudes towards unfair and unreasonable body contact can be inculcated.
Is it wrong to wish to see that nice young man go to the dark side? No, because whilst I would not have him exhibit rough play in his domestic arrangements, football is actually a filthy game, and it’s about time he began taking what is rightfully his and ours… twenty goals a season.
He will also need a new name. How about Darth Theo?
Ed’s note – Spare upper tier pair going for this evening’s game. Way below face value at £30 per ticket. Email [email protected] if interested.
