Normally I have something Arsenal-related to discuss when I start writing my blog.

But on New Year's Day I had a drip in my hand laying in a A&E bed thinking I wanted my life to be over after a suicide attempt. 

I think it’s safe to say 2020 has been an awful year for most people. People have been dying of Covid and the world has pretty much turned on it head.

Everything we used to take for granted has changed. Simple pleasures are no more at the moment.

We’ve lost the ability to see loved ones, to go down the pub, sports fans cannot attend football matches or even watch motor racing in the flesh. 

I’m not afraid to say that I struggled mentally during 2020. New Years Day on 2020 seems a long time ago, the day Arsenal beat Manchester United at the Emirates. It seemed at the time 2020 would be full of hope and new experiences. 

I had so many plans and hopes for 2020 - but, as we all know, in March all our hopes and dreams came to nothing because of coronavirus.

Having Asperger’s, the fast changing pace and the restrictions haven’t helped, and I’ve struggled to be honest.

I miss going to the Emirates to watch the Arsenal men’s team or going to watch Arsenal Women at Meadow Park.

As a big F1 fan as well, I miss going to Silverstone each year to see the British Grand Prix.  I like boxing too and I miss going to big fights.

Like many of us I suppose, I just miss so much of the world before coronavirus took shape.

However, as the year went I began to feel lower and lower in myself mentally - and some days I didn’t even have the motivation to even get out of bed - because I didn’t want to face the world anymore.

On the evening of New Year’s Day, 2021 it all got too much for me.

I just got so low mentally I googled 'quick and easy' ways to take my life because I didn’t want to face the world anymore. I just wanted to die.

So I grabbed all my anti-depressants and filled up my water bottle and I started talking as many as I could.

What saved me was that for some reason I decided to tweet about what I was doing.

Maybe it was one part of my brain wanting to be saved, I don’t know - and I can’t explain why and want made put that tweet out to be honest.

I’ll get onto to the powerful and wonderful side of social media but I think I should finish this story first.

The police found me and took me to A&E - which was a scary experience.

With Covid high alerts in NHS hospitals it made it even more fearful. But while I lay in that A&E bed with a drip in my hand, it gave me a lot of time to think.

I’ve thought want I want to do in life after these events. I don't want to die. 

On Sunday I was discharged from the hospital - but not before the news that I’ve got to spend 10 days in lockdown in my bed at home because I apparently came into close contact with someone with Covid.

But I am alive. And that is something to be grateful for. 

The positive power of social media 

I’ve been touched by the levels of kindness on social media in the last three days and I want to pay a huge thank you to a special few people who helped me on January 1, 2021.

I would like to thank my friends Joe Henry, Paul Price and Beulah Pickles who all called the police and helped them to track me down. They are really good friends.

I want to pay a huge tribute to a new and great friendship with Nicole Holliday who has always been so kind towards me.

I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart, she texted me and offering me kind words when I was in the police car being taken to A&E and spoke to me a few times.

Nicole’s social media posts always cheered me up and Nicole is an amazingly kind and talented presenter who is has been so lovely towards me.

There are so many people I would like to thank for caring including Tony Adams. 

I want to thank everyone for their lovely and kind messages. I might not get around to everyone but I would like to thank you all for the bottommost of my heart.

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Jake Coare is 25. He was born with a form of autism called Asperger’s syndrome. He loves Arsenal Football Club, Formula One and boxing with his favourite boxer being Anthony Joshua. He suffers from mental health issues in the form of clinical depression and anxiety. 

This article has been adapted by Gooner Fanzine editor Layth Yousif from Jake's blog with his permisson. 

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If you are struggling to cope with issues raised by Jake's experiences call the Samaritans who are here to listen. 

Their free helpline is available round the clock on 116 123. Or contact them by email: [email protected]

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If you would like to send Jake a message of support, tweet him @JakeCoare14

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