Dear David Beckham the former professional footballer 

No sooner have I landed in Germany (which they call “Deutschland”, which is weird because Dutch Land is next door as anyone who has been out in Amsterdam will tell you hem hem), then I am back in dear old England!

It’s like I’ve never been away - which is exactly what the doorman at the Spurs training ground said, shortly before “Please leave sir, or I shall summon the police”. 

I am in a place called St George’s Park with the rest of the England team, which is near a place called Burton-on-Trent, which is apparently in somewhere called “The North”.

We both know that’s complete rubbish as Scotland is the north and do we play for Scotland? NO WE DO NOT. Why have the FA lied to us? What else are they covering up? 

I turned to the one man who knows these things - Harry “The Professor” Maguire. We call him The Professor because he’s got a square head and says he once got a question right on University Challenge. Complete rubbish. He’s never been on University Challenge. 

Harry Maguire says they put something in the Covid vaccine that makes your head turn into a cube, and turns you into a shit footballer and I’m inclined to agree with him. Harry told me to “do my own research”, and I did, and there’s this video on YouTube by DaveTheGooner86099 that says Harry’s got a square head, which proves it totally. The rest of the jigsaw is out there, mark my words. 

And if the New World Order blazers at the FA are capable of that, they’re capable of anything. They won’t even let us go out to visit Lakeside, even though it’s only a 310 mile round trip, if you want to avoid the roadworks around Luton. 

It’s all so very different to Germany, at least they don’t call you “meine Damen und Herren”* in Thurrock because I’m not their damn heron, I’m a professional footballer with my own “Don’t You Know Who I Am?” platinum card. I’ve been trying to get the Lakeside Munich shop people to say “Ello darlin’” properly like when I go in to pick up my name labels for my new PE kit, but it’s hard work. And you don’t even see former members of the cast of Grange Hill or Barry From EastEnders** in Lakeside Munich, so what even is the point of the place? 

Despite the always exciting and very important international break where there is zero chance of our best players getting their legs broken in a midweek friendly against Scotland, I am delighted that Bayern have now issued me with my official nickname. It is Herr Keine Trophäen***, and I’ve got a certificate and everything to prove it. It’s proved so popular, all the other German League teams are going to do T-Shirts of it. How exciting is that? It’s like when they had that Golden Balls game show that was named after your testicles. Did you ever get them back? 

Anyway, must dash. Boiled chicken and rice for tea tonight. My favourite!

Your pal, Harry “Herr Keine Trophäen” Kane, the professional footballer 

*Ladies and gentlemen 

** Mr Kane is entirely mistaken here. Barry from EastEnders is strictly London West End 

*** Mr No Trophies