Harry Kane’s Letter from Bavaria

Dear David Beckham the former professional footballer,

Thank you for the “good luck” card you sent me after I got this new job in Germany. I spent the £5 gift card on Haribo Tangfastics in WH Smiths at Gatwick, but ate them all before take-off. 

Luckily I didn’t do a sick on the plane, but bowked rich multi-coloured vomit all over my new boss who was waiting for me at Munich Airport. We laughed and laughed. 

Here’s something I bet you never knew: Both runways at Munich Airport are exactly 4,000 metres long, or 13,123 feet in the old money. How about that?! Gatwick’s runway is only 3,316 metres. What’s the best airport runway you’ve ever been on? 

Apparently everybody here speaks a language called “German”, which I am not familiar with except for the traditional greeting “Achtung Spitfire” which got me some funny looks. Perhaps I’m not saying it right. But someone should have warned me before signing for somewhere foreign that I’d have to talk foreign at them.  

But I think I’ve made a new friend as one of the players is Korean (he is called Min-jae), and I used a few of the phrases Son Heung-min taught me back at Tottenham to break the ice. However, I don’t think I’m saying ???* correctly, as he punched me in the groin and stormed off. I don’t know - you make the effort and it just annoys people. I phoned Sonny later, and he told me I WAS saying it wrong, and he’s given me some more friendly phrases, which I can’t wait to try out on my new pal. 

Anyway, first day at work, and the boss says he’s employed me to be his Rechtsvorwartdumbkopfenglischfußballspielerderkeindeutschspracht** and expects me to fit in right away. In fact, my first match was today!!!!! 

We had to play a team called Red Bull Leipzig, who were some bigger boys in a team that was just made up to sell people fizzy pop. Unfortunately, the bigger boys were better than us, and when I went to tell the referee that this wasn’t fair, I found out he could only speak “German” and ignored me. I am fuming because that’s the most part of my game gone. 

Anyway, if those bigger boys can get a deal with fizzy pop and burp in our faces the whole match, then we can too. I was straight on the phone to the Enfield & St Alban’s Coop, sorting out an arrangement on their own-brand Rola Cola, which I can tell you is a favourite in the Kane household!!!!

I went and told the gaffer that going forward the club will be known as Enfield and St Albans Own Brand Rola Cola Bayern Munich, and he called me ein Teletubbyzüruckwinker*** and left it at that. You see, I’m the ideas man as well as a top Rechtsvorwartdumbkopfenglischfußballspielerderkeindeutschspracht. 

Sausages for tea. 

Your pal, Harry Kane (current professional footballer) 

*”Your mum”

** Right forward idiot English footballer who cannot speak German

*** “One who waves back at the Teletubbies”