A football fanzine always needs more surreal constructs - so ahead of the big clash in Andalusia, here's the brilliant Matt Cassidy on how Win the Dog can be Mikel Arteta's secret weapon in Seville

With the squad in disarray due to a sudden outbreak of 'the runs' at London Colney, Manager Mikel Arteta calls an emergency meeting ahead of his side's Champions League tie against Sevilla. It's all or nothing.

"Boys, I know we're down to the bare bones, and even with the academy lads filling in, we're still one player short. What's more, we don't have any fit strikers. But I have a solution."

Mikel turns to a rather elaborate, though surprisingly undersized stage with a curtain drawn across it. No expenses spared for this one; the Amazon documentary crew is in town. As 'North London Forever' plays in the background, Arteta's secret weapon emerges through a cloud of smoke. Pfffffft.

"We have no choice but to start... WIN THE DOG."

The squad looks at each other in disbelief. Has the gaffer lost the plot? Leandro Trossard slowly raises his imaginary binoculars to his eyes for a closer look before thinking better of it. Eddie Nketiah puts his phone down.

"I'll call you back, Mum," he whispers.

"I've examined UEFA's rulebook, and there's nothing in it about canines, only goats for obvious reasons. I'm thinking of starting Win as a false nine. I'm sure it can work, in fact, I know it will work. It's also great for diversity."

Arteta pauses for a moment, then turns to Martin Ødegaard.

"Martin..."

"Yes, boss," he replies timidly.

"Martin, I want you to bark like a dog. Really growl. I want you to be one with Win. BARK."

"But, but, I don't know the first thing about dogs. The Ødegaards have always been cat people. I'm talking five generations. My great-grandfather owned a cattery."

"Forget cats," snaps Arteta. "The chefs have a specialist diet mapped out for you, starting today. From now on, you and Win will eat exactly the same. Understood?"

"Yes, boss," snivels Ødegaard as he's hit by an airborne Boneo from Albert Stuivenberg.

An uneasy silence descends upon the room. They can hear someone coming, and they're late—very late.

Reiss Nelson bursts in, clutching his Goal of the Season award from last year.

"F*** OFF, REISS!" screams Arteta. "I SAID I'D CALL YOU WHEN IT'S AN EMERGENCY."

He leaves immediately, dropping his trophy in the process.

Win leaves an unexpected surprise on the floor.