Hull City manager Phil Brown called a hastily prepared press conference yesterday at the club’s Harry Ramsden Stadium in order to provide an update on developments arising from the end of Tuesday night’s FA Cup Quarter Final match against Arsenal.

Brown - his face orange with fury - began, ‘Ah’ve got summit to say abowt t’ disgraceful scenes at Arrsnul an’ why they should be thrown owt t’ good English league.’

Composing himself to list all the evidence, Brown - his face orange with severity - announced, ‘Now lissen up, you lot:

Furst. An Arrsnul playuh were on t’ pitch.
Second. ‘E were lookin’ all foreign-like.
Thurd. ‘E’s got a name li’ Fabbergus, or summit, so’s ‘e mus’ be an Eyetie.
Furth. ‘E were wearin’ blue jeans - problee frum t’Harrods an’ problee costin’ abowt fifty thowsand of our good English pownds.
Fifly. ‘E laffed at me futcheristic tellyphone mowthpiece tha’ evrywun agrees makes me look cool.
Sixly. In a dark area with no witnesses, tha’ durty foreigner vishusly attacked my assitunt manager, John Bull, from behind with a flick-knife while ridin’ with his durty foreign motorbike gang. Tha’ good Englishman Bull said ‘e knew it were tha’ Eyetie ‘cos ‘e smelt all garlicky.’

Brown - his face flushed orange with satisfaction - went on, ‘As Ah’ve said rahpeatudly on t’ BBC, Sky, Setanta, t’ Shipping Forecast an’ in me regulur column in ‘T’ Hull Sophisticate’, Ah’m not one fur going on abowt things ‘n’ such like. Ah’m bigger than tha’. Ah’ll leave sooch durty antics to t’ filthy froggies.’

Afterwards, when asked if he was perhaps guilty of pinning all of Hull’s hopes this season on the FA Cup, Brown’s face turned orange with rage. ‘Ow dare you! Evrybudy – did you see ‘im jus’ spit in me face!’

When another reporter inquired if Hull’s desperately poor form had him worried about relegation, Brown’s face turned orange with disgust. ‘You’re going to do what to me Granmuthur?!’ He shouted.

When asked to comment on the opinions of certain Hull City supporters who have said that perhaps their manager isn’t actually as good as what he thinks he is, Brown’s face turned orange with indignation. He then stuck his fingers in his ears and sang ‘La, la, la. Ah can’t hear you. Sam Allardyce sez Ah’m great. La, la, la.’