A rather short player from Saint Petersburg will be the cause of brown stains appearing on quite a few opposition shorts in next season's Premiership.

Arsenal will not win the FA Cup.

A team in black and white will fail to return instantly to the Premiership.

Dean Ashton will not play a full season either due to injuries or not being able to find shorts big enough for his gigantic arse.

Martin Tyler will remain the top TV football commentator by a country mile.

Alan Hansen will quietly talk out of his arse all season long in a Scottish accent and get on everyone's tits. Moreso even than last season. He will also quite possibly make a comment or two about poor defending.

Big Fat Sam's arse will grow even bigger and his ugly head will continue to fill our TV screens.

Gary Lineker will shag younger women, make money each and every which way, eat crisps and he also will talk out of his arse all season long whilst wearing an inane grin across his chops.

Alan Smith (who-are-yer) will leave Newcastle United and no one will even know he's gone.

A well known Arsenal manager will say 'Overall it was a good performance'.