10.00 am
Hooray! Received today in the post the entire collection of George Hamilton movies on Orange Ray DVD! He’s fab – and let me make it quite clear that when I say fab, I don’t mean that lying eyetie Fabregas who spat at me – I mean our fitness coach, Sean Rush – I mean Brian Horton, while that bloody froggy Wenger kept sticking up his two cheese-smelling fingers at me rather than shake my hand. What I, Phil Brown, mean is fab, as in faberlous.

12.15 pm
Just received a phone call from my bestest friend – Big Sam! He likes me, Phil Brown, to call him ‘Big Sam’, and I like the way his chins extend even further out over his matronly chest when I say it. He asked me if I’d had any luck in the transfer market, but then the line cackled with interference and I couldn’t make anything out. I kept saying ‘Hello? Phil Brown can’t hear you Big Sam – are you still there?’ But all I could hear was this strange noise. I can only describe it as something sounding like an obese walrus laughing hysterically followed by deep, catarrh - induced coughing.

When it stopped, I started to tell him about a promising local lad who I was interested in, but who had turned down my offer of a contract at Hull City by saying he instead preferred a bid from his mate’s cousin’s neighbour to play for the Kings Head ‘B’ team in the East Riding Steam Loco and Track Ballast League. But before I was able to finish telling him, the line went all funny again. After a while, Big Sam’s voice returned (sounding a little out of breath, it seemed to me) to ask me if I, Phil Brown, wanted to sign a Romanian striker who, although nearing forty, was making a real name for himself in the Carpathian Wood Loggers and Goat Tending Football Confederation. He said signing him would be no problem – in fact, an agent he knew had already set up a move to England. I said straight away ‘I’ll take him, Big Sam!’ Big Sam then said all I had to do was sign a blank cheque payable to his son. Then the line went all funny again with that strange walrusy noise.

1.00 pm
Phoned the Hull and Humbug Estuary Examiner and after only a 40 minute wait, I eventually got through to the acting junior deputy Sports Editor to give an exclusive on the new transfer. I told him all about our new prolific goal scoring machine from Rome who has signed for an as yet undisclosed fee (I hope Big Sam tells me soon how much it will be, as I understand Mark Bright is thinking of a return to the big time and I’m keen to make an offer).

2.30 pm
Have just noticed a bit of fleshy pink between the fourth and little toe on my left foot. I, Phil Brown, will have to work on that. I’ll book a further hour to today’s appointment at Mel ‘n’ Oma’s tanning salon down on the quay.

9.30 pm
Big Sam just called – the deal’s done! He said that because it was me, he’d done me a favour and fought for the transfer to cost as little as humanly possible. The signing is to cost only £30k – plus an unavoidable agent’s fee of £3.5m. I yelled ‘What a snip, Big Sam, yippee!’ The line then went completely and I had to hang up (I must get that seen to).

Anyway, all that needs saying – or should I say singing!! is: ‘We are staying up, I said we are staying up!’