A top player will be caught in highly embarrassing circumstances by one of the gutter press. The story will run and run. So will the player.

A major club will lose their shirt sponsorship money part way through the season. Just like West ham did, although they obviously don't count as a major club.

England will yet again fail miserably to find a decent goal-keeper. Every single one of the potential England keepers will make a major cock-up during the course of the season. Except David James who will make loads of cock-ups as per usual.

There will be a new chant for Andrey Arshavin. I can't tell you what it will be because I haven't quite perfected it yet, or road tested it in sufficient pubs.

Boris Johnson will make a pathetic comment about football fans in the fair city of London. He may get his head kicked in as a result - the tea leaves are not quite clear on that so I'll keep you posted.

Arsenal Ladies will struggle without Vic Ackers - so maybe just the two trophies this coming season. Arsenal's kit however will be in fine shape.

Someone will suggest that Sir Anal Fergusmoan will retire at the end of the season. His rag, sorry newspaper, and all its reporters will be banned from Old Trafford until hell freezes over or Sir Anal retires, whichever comes first.

Arsene Wenger will say 'We didn't take our chances'. This will already have been noticed by those yelling 'You useless **** Bendtner' by the time AW says it in his post match press conference.

Harry Redknapp will twitch live on TV. More than once actually.

A referee called Howard Webb will cause major controversy.

Howard Webb will make another truly irritatingly poor call in a Premiership game that will change the result of the match.

An ex-copper born in Rotherham now acting as an alleged referee will screw up big time.

A really awful decision in a major game will be made by someone by the name of Howard. Quite rightly he will get well and truly slated for it.

An English FIFA listed ref with a shaved head will screw up big time.

A Rotherham United supporting referee will have an entire ground chanting 'You don't know what you're doing'.

An assistant referee working under Howard Webb will cock up and subsequently screw up an important match as a result. A well known club-hopping manager will be banned as a result just as soon as he stops twitching.

Two European club sides playing in the same match will be seriously p***ed off with English refs and in particular Howard Webb following an abject display not even fit for parks football.

A player will be wrongly red carded by a shaven-headed, short-arsed clown in baggy shorts by the name of Mr. H Webb.

A good friend of Graham Poll by the name of Howard will flee from a stadium after cocking up yet again. A shaven-headed clown will be much sought after by angry fans, some of whom may be armed and dangerous.