A recent Arsenal.com story had me distraught before I'd finished the first paragraph. Of our then 55 goals scored in all competitions, none had occurred in the opening fifteen minutes! How had I missed this important trivia, if that isn't an oxymoron? Such was my depression, I'd have hung myself from the chords of my anorak to end it all but I'm desperate to discover how Project Arsene turns out. Cesc ended the sequence last week with our 62nd goal at Burnley.

Arsene always bangs on about intelligent players. Who might he sign next month, then? Sunderland's Mensah, who scored the Black Cats' first goal at Middle Eastlands on Saturday, apparently has an IQ in excess of 150. The perfect candidate, surely?

On Saturday the home fans at E******s and Fratton Park baited their respective (but not respected) opposition's manager with: "You're getting sacked in the morning". T'was Hughes that kopped it, though, not Rafa or the Tango Man. Sparks (electricians) love to leave a job with cash in hand; Old Sparky probably left Middle Eastlands with a wheelbarrow. Hughes' last, defiant, act was to drop Adebayor; even he, with an IQ somewhat less than MENSA level, must be questioning the decision to accept the Sheikh's Shilling (and some) last summer. Mancini's appointment was confirmed with haste; don't the League Managers Association have anything to say about the conduct of their members?

I laughed when Hull's fans appealed for a penalty - but not for long. We've scored 44 goals this PL season, none from 12 yards. Put another way, we've scored 44 non-penalty goals. Stay with me, please. Of the 20 goals conceded, three have been spot-kicks, meaning we've conceded 17 non-penalty goals. So our one PL penalty (Cesc's miss at 0-0 in our 2-0 victory versus Stoke City) spanned 44 non-penalty goals, a ratio of 44-to-1, obviously. We've conceded four penalties, so the ratio of non-penalty goals conceded to penalties conceded is a mere 4.25-to-1, a ratio more than 10 times as bad.

Think about it; these statistics make grim reading for our chances as we're not competing on a level playing field, as I've long argued. Put another way, can you envisage any referee giving Hull City that ridiculously soft penalty against Silvestre if he were still playing for his previous club in front of the Stretford End? On each occasion we were winning by one goal (1-0 at Old Trafford, 2-1 at Upton Park and 1-0 at Turf Moor). Nine in-running points became two in reality. Rocket science, it ain't.