Oh I say play the game Arsenal don't you know. What oh Jeeves. That Owen Coyle is a terribly nice chap don't you know, it seemed such a shame that when those Wanderers chappies went two up against the run of play they rather lost it what?

Our chaps were terriwibly unsporting when that Davies chappie went down in a bit of a swoon, after all it wasn't his fault that his name sake was shoving the boys in the red shirts in the back all night, or diving, or that the sweet chubby fellow in the Chelsea blue with the whistle didn't notice it once. It certainly wasn't Mark Davies' fault that everybody in a dark blue shirt was kicking the bejeezers out of that pretty Spanish lad so why is it that all the home fans seem to get so amazingly het up. They're not normally at all like that. I'm perfectly sure that it was a mere coincidence, how on earth could anyone imagine that kicking the Spanish lad in turn was anything other than coincidence?

So why on earth were those mad yobby Arsenal fans getting so het up about it. I must say some louts near me were going totally berserk my dear and being positively obscene towards that dear chubby fellow in the blue, it was almost as if some of them wanted to harm him in a physical sense. It was absolutely nothing like visiting the Old Vic or Opera House my dear. They were all just so primitive, it's not normally like that at all. I nearly feinted with fear. Mind you it was a just a bit exciting in an almost naughty sort of way.

So just why was it that that Jussi man in the different uniform was doing the mime artist slow motion thing in the first half and then looked like Charlie Chaplin on speed after the half time drinkie poos? I really didn't follow that bit at all, what was that all about sweetie? Why were the people all around me, well I say people but it was like a pack of ravenous wolves at one point - I got quite frightened, why were they baying for blood when the McCann chappie tried to demolish our sweet little Russian chap, you know the one, has quick feet like the gorgeous Nureyev hunk used to. Why did they go positively ape sh*t.

One chappie near me was so horse by the end of the match I thought he might even be Shergar don't you know. I got really frightened, wet my knickers at one point but to be perfectly honest it really was quite amazing.

(And on a more serious note, here is what the writer added at the end of the above…)

Amazing eh?

If you were one of those baying at Wiley good on yer. If you castigated Jaaskelainen well done. If you were part of the hostile atmosphere - about f**king time, where have you been hiding! If you didn't give a sh*t about Davies going down - quite right there were points at stake. If you were more annoyed at the whinging Notlob tw*ts moaning at Wiley and the time wasting - quite right! Do you think Adams, McLintock or Vieira would have batted an eyelid? No way! There was a war on, we wanted to win it. End of. Get in there.