I’ve checked the laws of the game and can find nothing whatsoever about not being able to clean or dry boots during the course of a game.

So next time we play Stoke at home can I suggest the following, especially so should we go a goal or two ahead at any point in the game. At every single goal kick the ball boys or girls should provide our keeper with a heavy brush to clean his studs, plus a slightly dampened cloth to clean his boots and of course two towels. A small towel to dry the boots and a larger one to clean the ball.

At every single throw-in whoever takes the throw should be provided with a clean pair of the appropriately sized gloves whether or not it is intended to take a long throw. Plus of course a towel to wipe the ball. If however the ball is really muddy, a very rare event at our place, a small washing up bowl and a scrubbing brush should do the trick. These bowls could in fact be sponsored, as could all the towels and brushes. I’m sure there are some Holloway scrubbers that might be interesting in advertising their wares.

Needless to say a minimum of ten yards should of course be stolen at every throw-in.

At every free kick boots should of course be cleaned and the ball wiped. For any direct shots on goal however and especially penalties, the ball should be ‘cleaned’ with some substance that’s really, really greasy. If for any strange reason the ref won’t allow that then we soak it in a ball of water prior to the kick being taken.

This of course will all detract from the actual football and reduce the amount of time where the game will actually be played. But if it p*sses off Pullis, Delap or anyone else from the Potteries I’m all for it.