It is an absolute miracle to me that, as I write, Arsenal are still in contention for the title. This team has more flaws, faults and deficiencies than Harold Shipman’s professional integrity and yet here we are, with 11 games to go, facing an easier run in than our challengers, and we could actually win the title. Bearing in mind Harold Shipman received his licence to practice, this has to be a very real possibility.

Even if this happens, and what an amazing orgasmic thing that would be, no one can deny that the team and the squad needs strengthening. We need a goalkeeper that hasn't come straight from Zippo’s Circus for one. Sorensen or Joe Hart surely have to be considered here. We need someone who can score goals. RVP will be fully fit by the start of next season, but only until October when he will break his spine in a Dutch friendly against San Marino. We need a midfielder who can tackle, one who will kick down doors if we lose, one who will shout and scream at those who don't work hard, one who you get the impression would literally die for the cause. And we need a left back. It is a mystery what has happened to Gael Clichy. I used to genuinely wonder whether he was a better full back than Cashley. Not any more. Whenever I see someone running down our left side I feel like I did when my alcoholic uncle used to give me a lift home from school - like something bad was about to happen (not in a sexual way- I mean the drunken driving). (Ed’s note – relieved to hear it!)

Clichy is spent, punch drunk, he is no more. Now I know what I'm about to go on and suggest may be met with absolute disgust and vomit, but is there anyone out there who wouldn't mind seeing Ashley Cole back at the club? He has been hammered by Chelsea for his marital indiscretions and there has been talk of him being shown the door. That is probably just paper talk, but it nevertheless raises the interesting question of whether we would take him back. I personally would.

The thing is footballers are not very bright generally. There is the odd exception to the rule, but a lot of them are pretty dim. Ashley included. To be honest if any one of us played for Arsenal and they promised us £60,000 a week on a new deal when our England colleagues were already earning much more, we'd be a bit peeved. If the club then reduced that offer further, I'm sure we'd feel like, 'hang on a minute, I'm a full England international, I'm considered one of the best in the world in my position, I've been with you since I turned professional, why are you treating me like this, why are you not giving me what I'm worth, what my equals are getting?' We may even feel unwanted by the club and want to leave.

What we wouldn't do however, is write a book about it, and talk about how we nearly swerved off the road after being told of a 'derisory' offer of £55,000 a week, and then expect people to have sympathy with us. But like I say, Ashley is not the brightest. He handled it as you would expect a modern highly paid footballer to handle it. But the Premier League footballers of today do not represent us anymore. They live in a completely different world. It would take me two to three years to earn what Arsenal were offering Ashley for a week.

I now live in Cardiff. Just going to a game is a huge expense for me. I wouldn't begin to expect someone like Ashley Cole to appreciate or understand how hard I have to work in a menial job just to be able to go and watch my team now and again, never mind pay the bills and survive generally. But the footballers of today are not like us anymore are they? What I do know about Ashley Cole is that he is an absolutely brilliant full back, probably the best in the world in his position, and I think he's taken the massive stick he's had from Arsenal fans over the years with a fair amount of dignity. Okay he's still a c**t, and it pains me to say it, but God we could do with him back at no 3.

(Ed’s note – While we are in the subject area of Chelsea, thanks to Garry Williams for pointing out this hilarious ditty. As Garry says, I love a good pop song!)