Tottenham's preparations for their Premier League clash against Everton have been disrupted by a virus. It is understood that all first team players have all been equipped with sprint shoes and sprinting blocks just in case they are called upon for an emergency dash and splash. Health Authorities stated that although Lasagne I, a previous outbreak first seen by the Shammers in 2006 could possibly have been the biggest WHL outbreak ever, not to mention the biggest laugh, this latest outbreak should still be taken seriously. Around WHL the Totts’ medical staff feel that's is entirely possible that this latest outbreak may not even be the suspected Lasagne II bug but could just be the even more notorious N17 Super allergy.

First-team stars Wilson Palacios and Vedran Corluka have both been hit by this sickness and diarrhoea bug although some sources believe, as stated earlier in our report, it may even be an early outbreak of the notorious N17 Super allergy. This allergy tends to become prevalent amongst the Tiny Totts’ foreign players when it becomes obvious towards the end of the season that Champions League participation has yet again stretched well beyond their capabilities.

Tottenham manager Harry Redknapp, looking more than a little shaky, stated: "We've closed the training ground. It's off limits. We're just going to train there and that's it". Whereas most Premiership managers these days can be found on Twitter, Mr Redknapp is a dedicated Twitcher and Twitches away much of the time, even more so on matchdays.

A French chef is not being held by police.