Sirs,
We feel moved – if not obliged – to write to you in what must be the most difficult of circumstances for all of you at Stoke City Football Club. We, like any other sensibly and rationally minded people, were appalled at the most despicable treatment meted out by the national press to your esteemed club and the magnificent Mr. Shawcross in particular. Headlines such as ‘Here We Go Again: Arsenal Fairies Complain About Broken Legs’ and ‘Shut It Wenger – If You Don’t Like English Football You Can F*** Off!’ must have caused considerable anxiety and distress to you, to which we apologise profusely.

We accept totally that the contemptible Aaron Ramsey – a man of zero worth with no redeeming features whatsoever – was entirely at fault for the slight discomfort that befell him, being as he was, blatantly and with malice aforethought, in possession of an Arsenal shirt. Furthermore, we have no doubt whatsoever that he fully intended to supply an article in his control – namely a football – to an accomplice, no doubt another shady character with an unhealthy affiliation to Arsenal. Such provocative behaviour has no place in the modern game and we completely accept the consequences.

We humbly beg the forgiveness from Ryan Shawcross, your gifted defender – a young man clearly destined to enjoy a glittering future at the pinnacle of the sport – who demonstrated admirable restraint in the face of such an unspeakable insult. The fact that he chose to merely shatter the bones of the detestable Ramsey instead of taking the fully justifiable course of action of lopping his legs off at the knees with a machete is testament to his fully deserved stature in the game. It is little wonder that the name of Ryan Shawcross reverberates around the world as being synonymous with fair play, courtesy and compassion.

You can be certain in the knowledge that we intend to make an example of Mr. Ramsey and the disgusting antics he displayed that evening at your most hallowed ground. He will be prohibited from kicking another football at Arsenal until he learns that such base and shameful conduct will not be tolerated. We fully expect this punishment to last many months.

Please accept our most profound respects and we wish you a full and speedy recovery. God bless you all.

Yours Sincerely,
Arsenal Football Club.

(Ed’s note – I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to draw attention to the glorious football career of one Dan Smith, the Sunderland player who broke Abou Diaby’s leg in 2006. The sender will have to forgive me, as I can’t find the email notifying me of this piece on whatever happened to Dan Smith after he demonstrated his footballing prowess at the Stadium of Light. I think the concept of karma is somehow relevant here)