In a shock statement this morning, Arsene Wenger announced that he had appointed Tim Henman as his new Director of Football.

Older Gooners will remember with great fondness settling down to watch "Tiger" Tim at Wimbledon. During the first week he would regularly batter the life out of some useless git from Paraguay or Montenegro, leading everyone to wonder if "this was his year".

Older Gooners will also remember with even greater fondness settling down to watch "Super" Timmy Tim during the second week at Wimbledon, where he would get his arse well and truly thrashed by Pete Sampras, Lleyton Hewitt or Goran Ivanisevic. He tried his very bestest but those bigger boys just didn't play nicely.

Arsene said "I know zees Timmy Henman very well and I like his style. His Wimbledon record was truly amazing - 4 quarter final defeats and 4 semi final defeats. He told me that one year, during ze semi against Sampras, he was so scared that he did a sh*t in his shorts during a tense rally. What a guy!!"

Arsene went on "Super Tiger Timmy should be able to help my bunch of bottlers no end. He can tell them how to avoid crying in public, how to make loads of excuses and how to rake in pots of cash whilst never actually winning anything. I can't wait to see him on ze training ground".

Super Tiger Timmy Tim said "Oh yeah like - this is a f***ing blinding opportunity to work with some right proper bottlers, just like what I was. I used to love walloping them useless foreign johnnies but what really used to p*** me off was when that Sampras twat turned up and gave it a big un. Like he was better than me or something. Bastard!"

Super Dooper Tiger Timmy Timster has been given a five year contract on £75,000 a week and he will start work once his torn hamstring gets better.