Joe Fitzpatrick 
My fellow Gooners, we stand once again at the very precipice of greatness. Almost exactly a year ago we forced the evil emperor Guardiola and his hoardes to a hard fought stalemate at our great fortress. We all know what an ambush awaited us at their gargantuan citadel. This time can be different I say to you all, not least because this time we travel there with an advantage.
The Catalan hoarde and their South American mercenaries practise a peculiar type of black magic that allows them to pass the ball from one man to the next seemingly under the enchantment of a computer geek with a playstation controller. They create strange triangular Druidic shapes with their passing and swarm like angry hornets when they lose what a well known Barcelona fan Snr. Gollum described "the precious".
They count among their number a magician so powerful that he managed to strike at the heart of our defence four times in 90 minutes almost single handedly. The evil Iniesta and Xavi have been caught trying to control the mind of our esteemed general Cesc Fabregas to draw him into defecting over to the dark side. Their evil genius knows no bounds.
But fear not my fellow Gooners! All is not lost! We have seen several times how so-called lesser opponents have triumphed against us through sheer hard work and a phalanx like defence. Foes such as Birmingham and Stoke work quickly to get two banks of four in between the ball and the goal in order to stop us attacking through the middle. I am old enough to remember when Sparta… sorry I mean Arsenal were known for our phalanx like defence and we will certainly be calling on the spirits of out ancestors tonight.
Although several of our key warriors are wounded the ones coming in from reserve are all a lot taller and more physical albeit less technically blessed than those missing. I'm talking of course about Chamakh, Bendtner and Diaby.
Here fellow Gooners is what we must do if we are to have any chance of victory.
1) Set pieces
With Chamakh, Bendtner and Diaby in the side along with Djourou we have every chance of making every set piece count against a side much touted as the smallest in Europe.
2) Balls over the top
With General Fabregas and his apprentice Master Wilshere in the side we are able to exploit the high defensive line that Barcelona play. Players with pace such as Arshavin and Nasri must be willing to make the runs in behind.
3) Work as hard defensively as they do
"The precious" analogy works quite well here as it is the basis of their whole philosophy to retain the ball as much as possible. When they lose it, they swarm in numbers like angry hornets and so must we. If we can get tight early to Iniesta and Xavi we have every chance of making life difficult for them.
4) Man mark Messi
Sounds obvious doesn't it? But if we were doing it last time we weren't doing it very well now were we?
5) Cross the ball and shoot from distance
If we have the height and ability in our team then why not use them? Nasri and Arshavin will be pivotal for both their delivery to Chamakh/Bendtner and their shooting ability.
6) Sacrifice Denilson to the Gods
If Denilson plays in such a big game then the travelling fans should be refunded their money. He offers nothing and should therefore be offered up to Ares to curry his favour in this time of need. I mean seriously, what else are we going to do with him?
7) Exploit their own injury woes
Spies in Spain are suggesting that Puyol will not be ready for battle and the emperor Guardiola will move Busquets back to centre half. This will mean that Mascherano will play in central midfield and we all know the ex-Liverpool man can be drawn in to make stupid fouls. Busquets is a great midfielder but is less well known for his outings at centre half. If this is true then it tells us two things -
1) Barcelona fear us scoring first and are willing to sacrifice the more creative Busquets in midfield for the tough tackling Mascherano.
2) They are not expecting a lot of crosses from wide areas for Chamakh and Bendtner.
My fellow Gooners, I say unto you that yes we can win the battle but must defend like men possessed against the predictable onslaught and strike quick sharp spear thrusts at the false idol, the evil empire, the golden calf that is Barcelona. Unlike the cowardly, disgusting, so-called "bullfighting" that is so prevalent in Spain, the beast we know as Barcelona are not mortally wounded yet and it could take more than one swift strike to see them vanquished.
We will fight until the end, for this… is... Arsenal!
(Ed’s note – the BBC have asked us to link to a comedy short about tonight’s game. As there are no commercial considerations, fair enough.)
