Marc Ollington
Before starting this review I should state that I am a sucker for football biographies. After a tough, heaving going novel there is nothing I like better than to go back into the warm bosom of a badly (often ghost written) autobiography of any Arsenal player. I can’t help but feel closer to the player and club however dull or cliché driven they may be.
Having said that, even to the non biog aficionado this one is a belter. Merson dispenses with the worst bit of any biography, namely the childhood years. You can only read the following type of guff so many times “Life was tough for me as a toddler. My mum earnt four pence a week as a cleaner whilst my dad was in prison for forging bananas... yawn yawn yawn!” Instead he focuses on his footballing career as a series of lessons of what not to do in life. An example of this is that his time at ‘Boro comes under the chapter heading of “DO NOT share a house with Gazza”. The Magic Man then of course tells us what exactly did happen when he shared a house with the fat one, and of course all the other shenanigans that occurred on Teeside (such as Brian Robson’s management methods, and the boozing and gambling that went on at that club).
Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a work of great literature and I can’t imagine it winning any awards. It’s more fun and flippant than his last book ‘Rock Bottom’ which focused on the build up to his announcement as a drug and gambling addict. It’s also no Tony Adams ‘Addicted’ – which went into a lot of the reasons for Adam’s spiral downwards and was at times uncomfortably honest.
What this book actually boils down to is slightly amended conversations that the Merse regaled to the writer. As a result it does flow very easily, and as the type is so large you can get through the three hundred or so pages in a couple of sittings (it really is the ideal toilet book in that sense). What I love though is its honesty and sense of fun. Merson has gambled millions and at times has made a right old mess of his life. He makes no bones about this fact though and instead you just marvel at his anecdotes. I knew a bit of what he got up to but I was genuinely shocked with some of it. And it is told with such a sense of fun and verve you can’t but help love him for most of it.
Another plus point for me is that whilst it dips into his private life it normally focuses on the football or the characters around it. This means that his marriage break ups and domestic life are mentioned to give some context, but this doesn’t get in the way of hearing about Adams p*ssing on his new sofa or how he did a big poo on a team mate’s bed (you’ll have to read it to find out who). I know he has had a few domestic issues and I am happy to for that to remain private. This is about the Merse, not his wife or kids.
Paul Merson was a genuine Arsenal legend, and this book of stories and tales is a great reminder of both what an excellent player he was, but also what a character he still is. Merse is still fighting his demons even today (he reveals that he still gambles). Hopefully doing this book is a further step in getting the bad stuff out his system.
And finally how can you not love a book that regularly refers to masturbation as ‘waxing the dolphin’. That’s a new phrase to me and one that I shall now use forever more!
Merse’s new book, can be bought online through Amazon for £8.49 in hardback. An extract can be read here.
