Ian Tanner
I was born in the year 46BC, 46 years before the birth of Our Lord Wojciech Szczesny (aka Chesney, hence the BC), who is 21 today, 18th April, and whose coming I prophesised more than nine months (think about it) in advance. I doubt very much that he’s enjoying his day. Next month, a post becomes available for which he may be tempted to apply (through his agent, naturally); no Gooner should blame him for so doing. Actually, it’s two posts and a crossbar that he can reach easily without leaving the ground. Edwin van der Sar will soon hang up his gloves and the Champions Elect of England will begin in earnest their search for a long-term successor. Mickey Cannon evidently agrees with me (see recent issue of The Gooner that Wojciech could be Arsenal’s ‘keeper for the next fifteen years. More significantly, last week Bob Wilson spoke highly of the younger of our two Polish goalkeepers (Fabianski is 26 today!). In fact, if “Chesney” keeps free from serious injury, 15 years could be a conservative estimate, given the longevity of top-class goalies such as van der Sar himself and Lehmann, from whom I hope Wojciech is learning much.
My reasoning for recommending his job application and a move north is as follows, though I derive absolutely nothing but pain from what follows. Why would this supremely gifted physical specimen, who also has mental strength (copyright Arsene Wenger), hang around with a bunch of mentally-deficient bottlers that steadfastly refuse to learn from their numerous identical past mistakes? Our Esteemed Ed has already catalogued some of the lapses in concentration of the current Arsenal squad over the last five years. In addition to “Anfield 2008”, I always add the over-celebration of Arshavin’s injury-time fourth at the same ground two years ago this week, when it took the referee upwards of one minute to re-start the frigging game. I summarised those two incidents in a question to Arsene at an Arsenal Shareholders’ Q&A last year. I contrasted them with the approach of the highly professional outfit that is Manchester United. To refresh, when Ronaldo scored United’s third in the Champions League in May 2009, we needed five unanswered goals to defeat them in half an hour. A few United players approached their bench to celebrate and were told, in no uncertain terms, to get back – Ferguson & Co. even pointing the way – and to concentrate. Arsene said to me: “You are right”, before continuing with some bulls**t answer not inappropriate in this New World of spin over substance. In truth, nobody is surprised when the majority of players act unintelligently; that’s why they need coaches to remind them of their responsibilities. Back to Basics, perhaps (copyright John Major)? Unfortunately my dig at Arsene has gone unheeded – quelle surprise – and our no-hopers are left to fend for themselves; the malaise at AFC is obviously endemic.
So when, yesterday, we yet again over-celebrated, I was left thinking how true is the saying: a fool never learns! So much for players’ intelligence and mental strength. Liverpool sensed it, which is why they tried to lob Chesney from the re-start. But he’s one of the few players to whom these criticisms do not apply. He was ready for them, and I would not have expected anything less. He deserves better, though I fear he will have to get on his bike (copyright Norman Tebbit) in order to achieve the gainful employment and silverware that his talent and application deserves. In short, he’s too good for Arsenal; and you’ve no idea how much it hurts to write this sentence. Today, in the irony of ironies, Bob Wilson begins a 500-mile charity cycle ride that will take in Old Trafford.
There’s another not-so-wonderful irony to yesterday’s fiasco. Apparently RVP and Diaby had a half-time bust-up at Blackpool, with the former accusing the latter of receiving needlessly a booking just before the interval that could have compromised the team. Yet one week later, Robin himself, this great leader of men, removes his shirt despite knowing that he will receive a mandatory booking. He did not care. Worse, rather than our vice captain and World Cup runner-up pleading for calm and concentration amongst his intellectually-challenged colleagues in whatever time remained, he instead leads the celebrations before the game is won. This would all be hilarious except, like you, I’m not laughing. It’s all very well to bemoan the unfathomable amount of additional injury time and Eboue’s latest (and last?) act of idiocy – was he praying for Divine Intervention after his clumsy last-second tackle? Sympathy is in short supply among friend and foe alike.
It’s a sad fact that this Arsenal set-up are not in the same league as Moan United, who extract every last ounce of success from their playing resources, whether by fair means or foul. Yet it gets worse; Arsenal have even been reduced to displaying a deference that I can hardly credit. On 2nd April – the previous day would have been more appropriate – we hosted Blackburn in the day’s late kick-off. Entering early the stadium, the plasma TVs were showing: the World Cup cricket final from Bombay (or Mumbai, if you insist), Sky’s traditional football results service and Arsenal TV. Something for everyone. The latter was, as usual, giving team news and advertising future Arsenal fixtures, including 1st May’s game at THOF… Manchester United v Arsenal. I could hardly believe my eyes! “Always say the home team first”, my dad taught me in 41BC, when I first “helped” him with his football pools. This most basic football protocol has gone by-the-by at Arsenal, where all are intent on showing our illustrious opponents supreme deference. Perhaps we should roll out the red carpet and form a guard of honour. After all, they’ll probably secure their record-breaking 19th league title by winning that match. Heck, we could even offer to play in our away strip, allowing the Red Devils’ shirts to match the carpet ushering them on to our pitch.
As one of my nearest and dearest would say, you could not make it up.
