Fozzy 
Arsene, in the faint chance that you will read this blog, here are some words of advice.
For the third time in a week, and for the umpteenth time this season, you have made me feel distraught. I have been a fanatical Gooner for nearly 50 years, right back to the days of “Daisy” Skirton who used to run very quickly down the right wing at Highbury in the 60s and then not have a clue what to do with the ball. (Does this sound familiar?) At least Daisy could head the ball goalwards on occasions.
Sunday’s match was against the Bolton Cloggers, a team of good honest pros and journeymen, born out of Allardyce’s anti-football venom. This lot should not have been a problem. They will kick and hoof ball or player, whatever comes nearer. They will probably only try to score at corners when they will behave in a Wimbledon-esque way to try to bundle the ball in. Arsene, your tactics for this match should have been easy. Don’t let their thuggery impede our progress, and defend their corners properly. And just for good measure, this lot were humbled 5-0 last week by the odious Stoke thugs.
I don’t want to go over old ground. The hoofing of ball and players certainly took place. Messrs Davies and Taylor, you should both be ashamed for your horrific challenges, but you certainly did enough to rattle our players. We only had three corners to defend all afternoon and we were let down yet again. It was embarrassing to watch. What on earth goes on during training sessions? Who is meant to be responsible? Why was Pat Rice just sitting there throughout the match resembling a bored spectator and not engaging in any way?
Let’s now look at your team selection, Arsene. On paper, this team should have been easily capable of doing the business. However, three issues were not addressed at any time during the match. Firstly, the entire back four did themselves no favours today as they just could not defend. Secondly, Wally was totally ineffective again, so why isn’t he being properly coached to behave like a natural winger? Thirdly, with Sagna and Clichy regularly bombing forward, why are they allowed to just sling meaningless crosses into the box, aimed at nobody because Percy as the sole front man was elsewhere on the pitch?
Today’s team should have been good enough. For a number of reasons they weren’t. So let’s think about some of your squad players who are there for your consideration:
Spanish Waiter – needs to be shipped off to a second division Spanish side as he is clearly not good enough;
Ebouseless – if Totterington are genuinely interest in this idiot, then please let him go to them so he can f**k them up as well. What’s more, I will pay the cab fare;
Deckchair Denilson – if possible, sell him to a part time rugby league team where he can enjoy passing the ball backwards for the remainder of his days;
Diabolical – this man has never properly recovered from having his leg broken by another good honest pro, he can’t stay fit for more than five minutes and his constant sloppy play costs us goals;
Rosicky – this man has done nothing positive for us this season and has never properly recovered from his dodgy hamstring injury;
Barry Bender – known by my fellow Gooners as “Thrupenny bit” because every time he tries to trap a ball it bounces off at every angle. He has become a modern day version of The Beast, and like the others, is not good enough to play for The Arsenal.
The solution, Arsene, is in your hands, because nobody else with any power at Ashburton is going to sack you because they are happy trousering the dough. If you are going to stay with us, then please get rid of the muppets who are not doing their jobs working with the first team. Instead, surround yourself with some good people. My fellow Gooners have already come up with some tasty names who could make a difference.
And finally, spare a thought for people like me who earn the same amount of money in a year as you do in a day. Happily paying inflated prices to go along to watch this lot won’t last forever. The fact that your dough trousering mates want us to stump up an extra 6.5% next season may prove to be another great comedy moment when the announcer claims that the attendance is 60,000 plus and there are empty seats all around us.
