Joe Fitzpatrick 
The scene begins as our plucky young AKB-aholic Joe Bloggs attends his first ever recovery meeting…
Hi! How are you today, Sir? Thanks for coming on down to AKB-aholics Anonymous. Would you like to take a free personality test today as well?
And your name, please? We know it says ‘Anonymous’ on the door, we just need your name for season ticket renewal purposes. Why don't you introduce yourself to the group?
"Hello, My name is Joe Blogs and I'm a recovering AKB-aholic. I realised I had a serious problem with Wenger Abuse about three months ago...The problem was that I just couldn't understand why people would want to abuse Wenger...He was a God. He was... infallible”.
"I used to read articles written by many different authors on this humble Fanzine of ours and think that they were the Devil Incarnate. How could they criticise the Great One? The stupid, ignorant fools! Don't they know that Wenger is not only a footballing colossus, but he is also infallible as well? He is omniscient, omnipresent and omnipotent. He went a whole season unbeaten, didn't he? He is a genius, isn't he? But wait! He's never had money to spend! Or did he?
Oh I'm just sooo confused!"
Come on Mr. Bloggs, get it all out…
"You see, Ladies and Gentlemen, I was so brainwashed by thoughts such as these that I was deceived and drawn into the devoted, twisted cult of the AKB and became drunk on my very first ever pint of their sweet, sweet AKB-ahol. Mmmmmm... AKB- ahol. I still have memories of how it tasted, of the way it made me feel so safe and warm in my soft furry Wenger bubble...Oh, erm, ahem! I'm sorry! I know the stuff is no good for me, mind you. I know, I know, I know.
It makes me sick to see that their cult is still strong and they are still pushing that dirty, disgusting filthy AKB-ahol all round Highbury, Holloway, Hackney and Islington. The kids are calling it AK-47, for crying out loud! Who do they think they are? Tempting our kids and telling them lies! Who do they think they are anyway? *hiccup* Shhome kinda big shhhots? *Hiccup* or schhummthing?"
Thank you Mr. Bloggs. You see, Ladies and Gentlmen, recovering AKB- aholics such as Joe Bloggs here are so deeply hooked on AKB-ahol and the deep, full, tranquil liquid high that it brings them, that they are willing to wait forever for their next fix. They will literally wait for all eternity. Their loyalty is blind and their allegiance to their Napoleonic dictator is eternal. They are terribly prone to acute memory loss and the relapse rate is extremely high, especially amongst the younger generation.
The Cult leader, Monsignor Arsene "The Professor" Wenger hatched a cunning plan and set out to get as many people hooked on AKB-ahol as he possibly could back in the late nineties and early noughties. The evil genius lured everybody into his trap with some of the best football the world has ever seen (also known as AKB-ahol or AK-47 on the kids on the street). But then The Nutty Professor slowly but surely started to withdraw the supply. He cruelly demanded that his former followers continue to worship him as the effects of their earlier intoxication started to eventually wear off in a cruel, tortuous game of emotional blackmail.
In dribs, drabs and eventually droves, AKB cult members started to wake up as their reserves of AKB-ahol depleted at various speeds according to the personal threshold for TDS or Trophy Deficiency Syndrome of the individual.
Sure, some of us have gotten sober quicker than others, but the good thing is that they made it! Rejoice, my brothers and sisters! They too are now free, delivered from this sinister cult with its temple built upon a foundation of filthy lies!
This whole AKB debate has been going on for what seems like far too long now. I am really starting to worry for some of you. (I'm thinking of calling the in the Cult Deprogrammers). I am wondering why you are not calling for Arsene Wenger to be held to account for his own stupid lies, false prophecies and broken promises?
Arsene Wenger is the manager of Arsenal F.C. and we should set the record set straight on just what we, as fans, consider to have been the targets set for him by the board, and what they should be.
But wait a minute...
Wenger promised us a trophy this year, didn't he? No, he most certainly did not. Arsene Wenger is always very careful to make good use of phrases such as "We have a good chance", "I believe we can do it", "the team will be another year older this year", "he is like a new signing" and "if I sign a player...you must remember, I kill a player too, also".
Well Arsene, I'll let you in on a little secret. No one would even try to stop you if you dragged certain members of your squad into the centre circle and blew their f***ing brains out.
Can we all agree that it is now time, fellow Gooners, for the new owner Mr. E. Stanley Kroenke to demand that either Wenger starts to win silverware (not including the Emirates Cup) or he will be out of one very highly paid f***ing Job! He should be aiming to win at least the FA Cup, if not the League title. However, Champions League qualification was obviously the target the old board set for him for the last few seasons, hence him still having a job! We, as fans, must tell the new owner that we expect him to invest in the playing squad, and he in turn must sit Wenger down and explain it to him that his targets have now been reviewed.
Simply put, his job as Manager of Arsenal FC should be to win trophies for the club and the fans. Not to increase the share price of Arsenal plc with a miserly approach to its transfer policy. It should be people in the commercial department, the shareholders and the boys and girls in accounting who worry about the profit and loss accounts, NOT the manager or head coach!
