Joe Fitzpatrick 
There have been many suggestions as to how we can market the Arsenal brand around the world and I believe that I have found the ideal solution.
Many of you will have heard of or even found time to have watched the well known TV show ‘Jackass’. If a show where a bunch of idiotic Americans do crazy stunts for money can be successful and attract an audience of millions then I want to suggest a groundbreaking new TV show for the consideration of our American owner and his main man Ivan "I'm terrible" Gazidis to be broadcast on Arsenal TV online over the summer, if only to help make the club more marketable in the good ol' U.S. of A.
Just imagine tuning in for this...
"Hello! I'm Arsene Wenger and welcome to ‘Tight Ass’! Overall, I believe, that on today's show I'm going to find new crazy, zany and outrageous ways of getting away with being a complete and utter tight ass!
“Last summer I managed to somehow get away with spending as little money as I possibly could. This year I want to raise the bar once again and see if I can beat my personal record for spending as little as possible and yet still somehow squeaking in a top 4 finish! It's gonna be an exciting, adrenaline pumping roller coaster ride for y'all folks as I once again trawl the bargain basement of worldwide football for some hidden gems, that have somehow slipped under the radar of every other top club, to be brand new contestants on our show! One of my other tried and tested cunning stunts that I may have to once again wheel out for this series is... yes, you've guessed it, poaching talented youngsters from around Europe in the hope that they come good some day (not in this series they wont! maybe next time suckers!) and then springing a super bitchin' surprise on our new contestants. I'll perform a totally awesome 180° spin when it comes to their wages and pay them much more than they ever could have dreamed of!
Yes, I know, I know, I'm all heart! All our plucky young contestants will have to do in return for their cash bonanza contracts is to scrape by the skin of their milk teeth into the top 4 again, making sure that the Mighty Arsenal once again somehow make it to the cash rich promised land of the champions league qualifier! What an adventure! I'm so f***ing pumped! I can't wait to get this party started."
You don't want to miss each exciting episode as your favourite Tight Ass runs rings around everybody and keeps up his undeserved reputation for penny pinching, all the while being very careful not to raise viewer expectation levels too much by bringing in any superstar names to make the show any more watchable.
Even Jackass had Brad Pitt and Shaquille O'Neal come in for a couple of episodes to boost their ratings but I don't see us getting a Sneijder or Schweinsteiger while Ol' Tight Ass is running our show.
