Ian Tanner
Imagine this scenario. Your beloved, London-based, footie team are table-toppers and last weekend hosted the side in second spot, whose fans chant “United” in grating Northern accents. Your talismanic captain scores the game’s only goal with a sumptuous left-footed free-kick that flies to the ‘keeper’s top right. The previous weekend, said skipper did similar in your opponents’ own city when, playing United’s hated, noisy neighbours, who suffer delusions of grandeur, he expertly beat their goalie to his top left. 1-0 to The A------, twice!
It’s not a dream. It all happened and, moreover, I was privileged to witness the home game for the princely sum of £25. Trouble is, the captain with the sweet left foot was not Robin van Persie but Johnnie Jackson. The second-placed team hail from Sheffield, not Manchester. And it’s 1-0 to The Addicks (aka Charlton Athletic), not The Arsenal. I implore you not to miss the highlights, which include an utterly bewildering decision (not the weekend’s last – see below) to disallow United’s legitimate equaliser following a Flapianski-stye error by Ben Hamer.
In sport, as in war, I thought the idea was to do what your foe would want least. If so – and after Sunday I have my doubts – don’t ask fellow Gooners for their verdict on the substitution of The Ox - question instead your Manc acquaintances (friends?!). Arsene Knows the reason, but he ain’t telling the people who pay his wages – that would be you and me. If I were RVP, who looked as mystified as the rest of us, I’d be seeking an explanation for this Baldrick-style cunning plan that backfired spectacularly yet predictably. If I were RVP, I’d also be keeping my Mont Blanc pen in my pocket - what’s Dutch for “I ain’t signing nothing”? We’ve now got a mountain to climb (geddit?) just to reach the rarefied atmosphere of fourth place, not the actual summit. Such is my rage, I’m still shaking more than a Parkinson’s sufferer.
Arsenal.com always asks for and announces Arsenal’s MOTM. But yesterday, nothing! Could it be they’re afraid of Subsitutiongate escalating with The Ox getting 80%+ of the votes, as decided by we, the great unwashed?
Finally, an item of breaking news. As is Arsenal’s wont, the highly impressive-looking new state-of-the-art medical centre is to be named. Uncharacteristically shunning the chance to generate income, however, the club has decided to call it the Vassiriki Diaby Medical Centre in honour of its greatest patron. In future, our legion of injured players will be able to Tweet: Just off to the VD Clinic.
