Howes Growls

(F)Art of the Detail

Ahead of his latest column in the printed edition of The Gooner, Richard Howes finds a library to file digital copy about training ground flatulence. 

I’ve disconnected my Wi-Fi until reports from pre-match pressers start dropping at the end of the week but have logged on briefly at a North London library to honour my commitments to The Gooner’s editor.

My digital detox started approximately 10 minutes after I read the first story about Harry Kane criticising players that had withdrawn from the latest England squad. His barbed comments were aimed at team-mates, including Arsenal’s Declan Rice and Bukayo Saka, that didn’t report for another international snoozefest, citing fitness issues.

As if these breaks weren’t hard enough to endure, now a former Spurs player was hauling into question the loyalty and commitment of our representatives in the national side. What a tedious commentator Kane makes.

Worse, his claim that country (no, UEFA Nations League; Zzz) should come before club, was totally baseless, and a sentiment shared by nobody.

As the media, starved of domestic football, gave the non-story so many column inches, I could take it no more…

Drone on

Before I pulled the plug, I had one more job to do — buy my niece, Eloise, an Arsenal store voucher for her 19th birthday. Having checked out, I was quickly scrolling through the headlines on the website and stumbled across Episode 1 of ‘Sobha Realty's Art of the Detail’.

If there’s a link included in this article, give it a click, but I wouldn’t recommend going looking for it. Suffice it to say, it’s a Lavazza coffee-sponsored video, about two-and-a-half minutes long, featuring former player Ray Parlour giving a ‘tour’ of London Colney, as it used to be called.

“Welcome to the Sobha Realty Training Centre,” Parlour beams, as drone footage captures the Invincibles star outside the front door looking like he’s lost his keys — and his dignity.

What follows is a cringeworthy walkthrough of the facilities, which was recently renamed after Sobha Realty, the Dubai-headquartered luxury real estate company. Poor Parlour looks incongruous as more maddening drone footage catches up with him in the gym, restaurant, briefing room, training pitches and even what he calls, “One of my favourite places” — the boot room.

Is this really Parlour’s favourite place? If so, why? I’m curious.

The pointless, depthless video reveals nothing of note, other than it might be news to many fans that the grass at the training ground is cut to exactly the same length as the carpet at the Emirates. I’m all for home advantage but are we not hamstrung when playing away if our boots only tread a certain type and length of grass all week? Results already this season could argue a case for and against the theory.

Don’t look out for future episodes of (F)Art of the Detail, where our commercial team might make a puppet — muppet, even — out of another Arsenal legend.

In his next column, Richard Howes suggests the club has taken its eye off recruitment and asset retention, as we look to keep our latest title challenge alive at least until Christmas.

And why did Edu Gaspar slam the door on his way out?

A rocket of a Pål Lydersen free-kick at Highbury gets a mention too.

Getcha Gooner!