Amid sensational scenes at the Emirates Stadium yesterday, it was confirmed that a person with loyalties to Arsenal Football Club had ended his own life because of the 3-1 defeat suffered by the club at the hands of Manchester United. ‘It’s true, I’m afraid,’ declared a visibly shaken Peter Hill-Wood, Arsenal’s long time chairman. ‘The club is saddened to announce that last Tuesday night, during the Champions League match against Manchester United, Monsieur Arsene Wenger – someone who many of us at this club knew and respected – committed managerial suicide.

‘It was a bolt out of the blue,’ Mr. Hill-Wood continued. ‘None of us at board level suspected anything. We don’t think he had any money problems as he never asked us for any and he seemed a very confident person. Why, on the very same day of his tragic demise, he told me everything was going to be “magnificent.” He will be sadly missed.’

Pat Rice, Arsenal’s assistant manager, was horrified by the news. ‘Arsene was such a nice man,’ Rice said, choking back the tears. ‘He always used to say to me how important I was whenever he sent me on errands like picking up his dry cleaning or doing his shopping at Asda. Only last week he asked to go to as many libraries as I could to find reference material for the new book he was writing, called: “Tactics And How To Ignore Them”.’

Many others formerly and still connected to the club were also distressed at learning Wenger’s fate. ‘He was like a father to me.’ Said a grief stricken Emanuel Eboue. ‘In fact, he frequently came round to visit my mother who would often ask him, “Well, what are we to do with the boy?” ’

‘I can’t believe it,’ said young Nicklas Bendtner. ‘He was always so kind. He was always giving me great advice like, “Remember, whenever going out, always check three things: Have you got your keys? Have you got your wallet? Are you still wearing your trousers?” Of course, as a world class striker, I’m of the opinion that two out of three isn’t bad.’

Emanuel Barndoor said he was prepared to say little. When asked if it was because he was in shock, Mr. Barndoor replied, ‘No, it’s because it’s late and I’m tired due to just being magnificent at everything I do.’

Mathieu Flamoney, an ex-player at the club contacted news agencies by email immediately the story broke. “I’m available to say anything you want me to.” The message began. “Provided, of course, that the cheque is big enough.”