Hi to all those out there in Arsenal internet land. I know you can't wait until the new season begins, so I'll ease the torture of the wait by letting you know what to expect in a series of revelations my crystal ball has given me. Here's the first installment...

There will be a new third team shirt, in white, sold by a team not a million miles from London N5.

Stan Collymore pundit, gobshite and ex-player of a million clubs who wish they'd never purchased him will talk out of his arse and wind fans up all season long unless someone shoots him. Any volunteers?

Jimmy Bullard will not play a full season due to injuries.

There will be a wailing and a gnashing of Gooner teeth throughout the summer due to all the continued media speculation about which players are leaving for Spain, Italy, The Bridge or Citeh.

Arsene Wenger will not be saying 'Adebayor is a total genius at playing on the shoulder of the last man and staying onside'.

A Ladyboy will be linking with hairgels, rainy northern towns and a continental capital with a warm climate throughout the summer.

Tottenham fans will be predicting that this will be their season. But Arsenal fans will still win the bets they made with all the dim Totts.

A team that plays in black and white will be having a sale of used, abused and useless over-priced, ex-Premiership has-beens. Not to mention thugs and free-loaders.

Real Madrid will purchase a very expensive overpriced player, clearly with money they don't have. But there is nothing new in the world of football other than replica shirts.

There will be the sound of the board crying into their champagne because of something called a recession and its effect on property sales.