Hmmm, what do I see... a trip to East London to start the season, followed by home games v Burnley and Chelsea, away to Bolton and Liverpool before entertaining Man City. This was written before I tuned into Sky News yesterday, honest! Anyhow – here’s the rest of this week’s selection…

The lower tier at our stadium will look rather different this coming season. Possibly because our new CEO is attempting to curry favour rather than flavour the curry.

Louis Saha will not play a full season due to injuries.

At the start of the season there will be a surprise club who will get some big wins, do far better than expected and remain in the top six of the Premiership after eight games to the delight of their fans. They will finish in the bottom eight, they may even get relegated but I can't be absolutely sure as my crystal ball is on the blink.

A seriously ugly short-arsed Argentinian with teeth matching those of a piranha will remain in a rainy northern town.

Numerous money grubbing chairmen will be looking to offload the club they own and which they've loved with all their heart, ever since they first visited that particular town and picked up the club on the cheap less than ten seasons ago.

Stoke City will rely on long throws as the core centre of their footballing philosophy. Their manager will wear a stupid looking baseball cap.

An English club side will exit Europe due to some abject refereeing decisions. We will laugh our rollocks off, unless it is us of course.

The Scum will be attempting to sell a public lavatory (with planning permission to build a new one) complete with its contents all season long. They will fail to sell the Club because they are such a worthless bunch of clowns.

Three old gits drawing pensions from a team with a large stadium up north will refuse to retire while they are still able to kick people or sit on a subs bench and bank the money.

Sightings of a fit Eduardo will be rumoured. Such sightings may not last on a long-term basis.