Reading countless letters and comments in the Gooner on the subject it seems that I am far from being alone in being slightly embarrassed at the alarmingly high numbers of early leavers at the Grove since we moved from our beloved Highbury. I can appreciate that it can take longer than you think should be necessary to get out of the ground after the match and then once you ‘escape’ from the stadium you still get caught up in the masses of foot traffic. If you’re heading to Finsbury Park, like me, you’ll almost certainly be halted by the police before you can get anywhere near, having to stand around for seemingly an age, like a muppet right by the burger vans (are we sure that their owners aren’t slipping our local constabulary a few quid to stop the progress of masses of Gooners at such a convenient location for them to give into the tempting aroma of frying onions?!), whilst congestion clears at the station. All of this inevitably delays us getting home after the match, which is especially annoying after a mid-week game when it’s getting late and we know we have to be up early the following morning to drag ourselves in to work.

Whilst I am sympathetic to the situation I still can’t quite get my head around how these fans are content to miss so much of the matches that they have stumped the cash up for. We complain, quite rightly at times, about the high ticket prices that we have to endure but surely this argument is rendered mute when some supporters are happy to get so little value for money from their expensive purchase. I pay around £1,000 a year for my season ticket, which is one of the cheaper options in the lower tier but I do benefit from being close to the action (a little too close to the pitch to see some of the football at the opposite end of the pitch, if I’m completely honest!). Having a season ticket means I attend 99% of the home games and, therefore, see a lot of the same faces week in, week out. I am amazed though that some of these same faces are not seen until at least five minutes after the match has kicked off, this feeling of amazement grows as they then shuffle past me with more than five minutes of the first half to go!

Again, I understand that trying to get a beer at half-time is an energy-sapping ordeal and nipping away from the match before the referee blows for half-time gives you the edge on your fellow thirsty supporters. Being first in the queue means these guys will be the first back to their seats to see the second half, but no, instead they don’t re-appear until they’ve missed yet another five minutes or more. This happens at every game, whether the opposition is Bolton or Chelski; although, who wouldn’t want to miss a few minutes of the dross from the Reebok ‘parking the bus’ in front of their goal?! Finally, providing that the scores aren’t level as eighty-five minutes approach, these nomadic fans are off and scampering for the exits.

Now, I used to think that these people are fools. Not only are they wasting their time (and money!) coming to the game when they would clearly be just as happy to catch the highlights on telly, before heading down the pub to get bladdered, but they are letting the team down as well. Comments have been made in various official interviews with the players and the manager regarding the waves of people disappearing early and how noticeable this actually is to the eleven men out on the pitch and the negative effect it can have. We traditionally have a terrible reputation for atmosphere at home games (dating back to the ‘Highbury library’) so seeing Arsenal fans pouring away from their seats well before half-time, and full-time, gives opposition fans plenty of ammunition. However, this was before these fans let me in on their secret….

These fans are part of an elite band of supporters who know everything that happens at the Grove, which us ‘common’ or ‘garden’ fans are not aware of. I was incredibly lucky that this knowledge was passed on to me by a member of this club who are extremely tight lipped, the phrase ‘the first rule of Fight club, is you don’t talk about Fight club’ could well have been adapted from this group’s attitude towards secrecy. Now I have the information, I feel it is my duty to blow the lid on what goes on behind the scenes. Firstly, I had no idea that prior to kick-off, outside the stadium the ‘latecomers’ are loitering outside waiting to earn the accolade of being the 60,000th supporter through the turnstiles on that matchday. Apparently, the prize for this is an all expenses paid seven day holiday to none other than Andrey Arshavin’s holiday home in St. Petersburg. True, it’s pretty damn cold for most of the year, but there’s vodka on tap and more potential mail order brides than you can shake a UK Visa at. Now that is a top reason to be tardy in getting to your seat for the game!

The second secret that we’re not all let in on for fear of club revenue dropping too significantly from attendances to home matches is that, from the 40th minute of every match (yes, every match!) to the 44th minute, all beer served from the bars in the stadium is half-price. These wily Gooners are saving themselves a fortune every other weekend as they get the beers in before the ref has even blown for half-time. Sure they might miss a controversial incident, a penalty, maybe even a goal; but compared to the sheer value of the change still jangling in their pockets as they stumble home afterwards, who wouldn’t take the risk?! However, us poor fools fighting to get served in the fifteen minutes before the second half still have hope. Yes, most of us keep an eye on the watch, and down our pint quick-smart a couple of minutes before the action gets going again, but not those in the know. Hang around for four or five minutes after you hear the whistle and lo and behold those surly souls serving ‘refreshments’ to the masses are replaced by topless models, ready to take your order. For most red-blooded males it’s a dream come true, being served a pint and an over-cooked, greasy pizza slice by a young lady who has just happened to misplace half of her clothes! No wonder so many fellas around the stadium are sacrificing some of the second period of play out on the pitch.

Reasons for leaving before the match has actually ended were explained at the beginning of this article and we all agree these are valid points but there is one further tale to tell. This is regarding the evening of our ill-fated Champions League semi-final second leg at home to Man Ure. As everyone will testify, up to the point when Kieran Gibbs slipped in his own box, the atmosphere in the Grove was absolutely electric; but as our young left-back lost his footing our hopes of reaching the final were lost as well. Soon we were two-nil down and it was game, set and match to Fergie’s men. It was painful for those of at the match and the club were well aware of this, in an attempt to cheer up the home faithful plans were being made behind the scenes. Phone calls were made to ‘shady’ contacts, and hurriedly a gang of ‘law-abidingly challenged’ men were assembled. These men split in to two groups, both with similar objectives, to storm the luxury pads of a former Arsenal player and drag them kicking and screaming to the Grove, luckily their tasks were made easy. Team A managed to grab David Bentley, who proved to be an easy target as he was completely rat-arsed driving around in circles in the car park at Potters Bar train station. Team B excelled themselves and managed to nab Ashley Cole, he was roving up and down the Kings Road stopping at every cash machine, withdrawing as much money as each machine would allow and laughing uncontrollably to himself as he counted the notes over and over!

Both men were rushed to the Grove and placed in specially constructed stalls at opposite ends of the stadium. A few supporters were tipped off as to their presence and to the fact that you could throw whatever you liked at these guys, shout whatever abuse you needed to get off of your chest at them, and, if you fancied, to give them a free slap (or a hefty kick in the boll**ks!). This was just the remedy that our depressed fans needed, word spread like wildfire and as we all saw, with at least thirty minutes of the Man Ure game to go seats were emptying at a frightening rate. Those of us who stayed to the bitter end, to sympathise with our equally dejected players, were disgusted at the droves of fans abandoning the team and giving the away support even more reason to enjoy themselves, but little did we know what was happening behind the scenes!

If this were all true it would explain the behaviour of the fans who turn up literally for half of the match, in reality I cannot explain their behaviour. I am not perfect, and far from the most-committed fan, but I do think the team deserves better from us. Who knows, we might reap the benefits and in turn get better results from the team (avoiding all those points dropped at home last season) and finally win that long-awaited next trophy. Let’s stick together, the fans and the team; and most importantly the fans and their seats! Get your money’s worth, get your fill of free-flowing attacking football and get that feeling of satisfaction that you’re at the home of the Arsenal and they’re your team.