“Oi! No standing!” Sitting in the REDsection of The Grove I am now completely fed up with being treated like a nuisance and a criminal for having the audacity to show some sort of life signs during a game of football. “Oi! No standing!” I have never seen jobsworths as bad as those currently employed as stewards at our spanking new ground. “Oi! No standing!” The key offender is the one that looks like Bert Raccoon in Block 6. “Oi! No standing!”

He comes out of his hole every two minutes, squats down on every step, and eyes up everyone in the row. “Oi! No standing!” The bloke has a complete, and utter, Napoleon complex. “Oi! No standing!” We’ve all forked out upwards of £850 for the privilege to watch this great football team represent our great football club, but when I seem to miss 20 mins per game shaking my head in disbelief at this moron, who in all probability lives on his own in a south London bedsit covered with back issues of Razzle and Star Trek videos, I start getting angry. “Oi! No standing!” Who is he to deny us our right to watch the game we have paid to see? “Oi! No standing!” By all means, do your job, but use some sort of common sense. “Oi! No standing!” He clearly got picked last in all the matches at school and is getting his own back on us now.

What to do? I have no idea short of shopping him to Cyril Sneer.

“Oi! No standing!”