Sam Araldite for England! Most papers now make him favourite for the job, but before you all slash your wrists I have been given a top secret FA dossier that might make you agree 100% with the proposal. It appears that the FA are not as slow witted as we all thought and they are trying to finally solve the problem of foul play, violent conduct, the relentless time wasting, which coupled with the high cost of tickets is causing a plummeting of attendances - due in no small way to the completely illegal tactics employed by several of today’s managers. The FA have tried - by making referees professional - to improve the standards but all that has happened is they have become personalities in their own right and now think they are stars themselves.

No, what is being proposed is that a breakaway league will be constructed to isolate the illegal teams and their managers. This league will have different rules compared to football, much like rugby league and rugby union. The FA have at last realized that teams who play football cannot expect to compete against teams who play “Rollerball”. In the rules of Rollerball you can tackle two footed, kick through a player from behind, deliberately rake down shins and administer the classic elbow in the face now known in Rollerball as “The Jaw Breaker” or (as first used by Fashanu against Mabbutt) as the “Eye socket breaker” - ESB for short. The star move in Rollerball is the ASS (The Alan Shearer Stamp) this move gains five points immediately and a bonus of ten points if the ASS movement involves an opponent’s head!

The pure football clubs will remain in the Premiership and the inaugural five members will be Arsenal, West Ham, Fulham, Liverpool (Minus Gerrard who has been known to play RB) and Aston Villa. Teams like Man Utd who use RB when playing against more skilful teams will have to serve time in The Roller Ball League but must play to football rules for a five year period - minus Neville (see how they like it).

The main members of the Rollerball Extreme division will be Chelsea, Blackburn, Birmingham and the club who really have carried on the Wimbledon mantle BOLTON F***ING WANDERERS (or BFW as they will be known). The FA will ask Araldite to lay down the new and updated rules that will for the first time include points for time taken for substitutions. Chelsea will be crucial to this new league as they will finance the launch. Their decision to join was made by their groundsman who inadvertently laid the grass “green side down”. But so inspired by this act of folly was Roman that he said it reminded him of home and he immediately ordered oil to be sprayed on the top to give it the sheen required to make Essien’s two footed tackles more thrilling and make sure he does not get a “gravel rash” on his over-developed thighs.

Every year RB teams will compete for the Nat Sh*thouse Trophy, which consists of part of Harry Gregg’s shoulder that has been preserved in resin, and this bone is the very part that NS hit when he mugged HG for Bolton’s second goal in the 1958 FA Cup final. (Nice touch that).

The FA for once are thinking ahead and Araldite will be not only BFW manager but the England national Rollerball team manager. This Rollerball concept has already been taken up by the Glazers, who will take The Mancs to America to promote the sport and hope to raise the much needed cash to help clear the near billion pound debt. Ferguson went mad “We are not f***ing playing that at Old Trafford,” he screamed. “Why not?” said Malcolm Glazer, “You always play that way against Arsenal, and by the way we are buying back Keane as he has so much to offer.” RB national sides only have to include players who play in the league of that country, so Neal, Savage, Essien, both the Nevilles, Big Dunc, Beattie, Davis, Bellamy, Bowyer, Dickov and of course “Lip smackin” Andy Todd and the whole BFW team, can all expect a call up from “Big Sam”. Plus the RB league are “fast tracking” Sheffield Utd into their newly formed league. The Chelski players when told were delighted, “We are now being paid £250,000 per week and we don’t have to change anything we do on the pitch,” reasoned John Terry. Roy Keane is most famous for the RB extra points tackle called “The Haaland Shuffle”. This is shortened to an HS and any player who achieves an HS (ending a career of a player) gains an extra 25 points for their club.

OK enough, I have gone OTT in venting my hatred for Bolton, but how could Araldite possibly manage England? We would be down to eight men by half time. Rollerball is his game. The laws of football are all in place to prevent the kind of things that happen on Saturday against BFW, (Please let’s call them BFW, it has a great ring to it). The simple act of issuing a red card against Faye on Saturday would have prevented Flamini from trying to exact revenge for his team-mate’s suspected broken ankle. The booking of the slow moving substitutes would end that charade, the nonsense Araldite spoke about Arsenal in the Cup Final against Southampton when he confused “time wasting” with a 40 man passing move that ended in the corner area of the pitch was within laws of the game and was based on passing ability and skill, not standing front of a goal keeper while he tries to take a free kick (I am beginning to like Jens, more and more). The FA has caused this slide towards “Rollerball” and others seeing it work will follow, the FA have been warned. The whole problem with Arsenal at the moment is that the manager still believes in a beautiful game, however it’s the players who are losing belief and it can be traced back to that 50th game at OT when the useless Mike Riley tore up the laws of football and allowed Rollerball to be played. When players see the authorities supporting thuggery what else can you expect? What is the point of an FA coaching badge when managers use it just to get into a position of authority; it’s like passing your driving test and then taking to the road in a tank.

I suppose I sound like a manic Gooner? Well Alan Green called BFW “ugly” and said, “they play ugly football”. He deserves some credit for at least acknowledging that Mr Araldite, the King of Bolton is “in the all together” not like the other sycophantic ex-players and journalists who claim him as some Messiah.

When I filled in the Gooner survey about who was my most hated team I thought about three other teams as well as Bolton. I suggest to save us wasting ink, the next Gooner survey should fill that part in for all of us, as for Araldite, his turn is coming. When the gates at Rollerball HQ drop below 5,000 he won’t have the room to be quite so destructive about our national game.