News Update: The nation is in turmoil as it became apparent that many thousands of people have been affected by a 'contaminated' element that is causing misery to their lives.

Test results by Trading Standards have revealed that the substance known as Graham Poll is 'thoroughly unfit for purpose'. Early tests on Poll had found 'traces' of competence, but the levels were so low they were discounted immediately.

It is thought that Poll had somehow found himself undetected by any competency checks while in a batch of referees passing through a FA refereeing training school in Hertfordshire.

A spokesperson from the FA said it would be conducting a major investigation into the incident. 'Let me assure everyone,' he said, 'that we will leave no stone unturned until we get to the bottom of how this imbecile became a Premiership referee.’