Raucous atmosphere at the ground, got to my seat which happened to be on the end of a row, right by the steps to the bogs & bar area & had a quick greeting with Andreas & his boy. Getting ready for kick off & some steward to the right of me beckons me over & I say "what?" He points at the bulge in the inside pocket of my coat and says "That. It's not allowed". He beckons me down the stairs, so I follow him. By now I've got the bottle out & have swigged some before it gets confiscated which is what I'm expecting.

The steward then hands the bottle to one of those self-important, thick, suited (complete with scum crest) heavy-set, mid to late 50 year old, balding, fat actually, radio-size-of-a-brick-holding, typical jobsworth cnuts. He throws some Ronaldo style wink to the geezer I followed down the stairs and I'm giving it "look, you got what you want, I've handed it over, Is there any need to do anything more??"

And at first they're ignoring me - then fatso comes out with "...arrestable offence, that". It was at that moment I thought (and in hindsight should've said to him) "You fat jobsworth tocknum wanckker!! Look at you, you only got this job cos the old bill wouldn't have you, now all of a sudden you're Stevie Mcfcuking Garret you're lucky I don't smack you in your smug chops....."

So I'm waiting around and another steward's turned up, probably our age, maybe younger & I'm trying to make light of the situation saying to him "Come on man, you know the coup, it's silly this" and he's got this stony "I ain't taking no sh*t" (obviously trying to impress fatso)" but-comes-across-as-thick persona. Fatso's radioed thru to the old bill & there's also an old bill standing watching this & literally rolling his eyes at the situation.

Anyways I get led by a possee of stewards & coppers thru some doors & tunnels & am brought into some processing station. I've asked the coppers "How long you gonna keep me here, will I see the second half at least?" No. Basically got me pockets emptied & sat & waited while various coppers came in & out of this makeshift processing room asking me if I was Arsenal, to which I replied "Yeah", where they'd gleefully inform me of the current score 2-0. Toosssers!!

Got carted off to Holloway nick via Wood Green in the back of a meatwagon - well, it was a minivan actually.

Got booked in - the duty sergeant was a character who had a bit of sense & talked to me like I was my age & not my height in feet. She also waived me getting tested by any cop-shop doc & actually took time out crack a coupla jokes for crying aaaht loud. Oh, and was efficient too. The same cannot be said for Laurel & Hardy who turned the simple art of fingerprinting & mugshot photo taking into a roll call for Billy Smarts circus. "Give us the left thumb of your right hand" ...."why isn't the machine working??" ..."Oh, I turned it off after the last body" ...."put on a mean face, that's what most of you hoodies do" .....GET ME OUT OF HERE!!!!!!

Got slung in a cell - blue mattress & wooden bog with no bog roll or seat - for about 45 mins, next minute, interview room... "Interview conducted by PC blah blah at 2354 ....do you agree that you were drinking on the football pitch? (ludicrous, but it was a female copper after all)" to which I replied, "No, I was in possession of alcohol in the ground". She goes "I'm producing article IP354 it's a bottle of Way and Nephew Rum, was this the bottle you had on you?" This is me - "It's Wray and Nephew." Idiocy.

Anyway, to cut a long story short walked out with a caution. Try to avoid: a) Totscum stewards and b) Coppers if you can. They're a complete waste of space!!! This actually did happen & wasn't funny at the time I can tell you!!