Lance Beauregarde
1. Publicly state in no uncertain terms that the club will be making some big signings this close-season, despite the fact that although the money might be available, the only person ambitious enough to make such deals happen was forced out of the club several years ago due to the fact that he was ambitious enough to make such deals happen
2. Sign an unknown, unproven French under-21 who has already had both his legs broken and, if he ever does prove himself to be a top quality player, will just leave for a bigger club that promises to triple his wages anyway
3. State your interest in a 25 year-old Argentinian international with a career average of a goal every two games for both club and country, who has spent most of his career playing at the very highest level
4. Agree personal terms with said player
5. Make an offer of around £10 million below what the player is actually worth in today’s transfer market
6. Get the hump and pull out of the deal when the selling club asks for something closer to a fair price
7. Out of spite, bid £25 million below the asking price of another player who:
A) most fans don’t want at the club,
B) is two years older than the Argentinian international, not as good, and would demand almost double the wages,
C) has previously angled for a move to Spain on the grounds that he has been victimised by the British media even though he brought it all on himself through diving, biting and the racial abuse of another player,
D) would have to miss the first few league games of the season through suspension,
E) isn’t even really worth half what you are offering due to the above reasons, and,
F) plays for a club who would rather not sell him to another Premier League side
8. Up your bid to £20 million below the asking price for no reason whatsoever
9. Up your bid to £14.999 (or something like that) million below the asking price to trigger a clause in his contract that forces his club to inform him of the bid, even though he can just read about it in the papers like everyone else
10. Watch the Argentinian international you were previously interested in move to Italy for £20 million less than the asking price of the player you are now pointlessly pursuing
11. Watch the club who just sold the Argentinian international use the money to sign the racist, diving, bitey, overpriced player who didn’t really want to play for you and whose club didn’t want to sell him to you but you pursued him to no avail anyway, leaving you facing the prospect of starting the new season without any major new signings
12. Refuse to sign any of the kinds of players everyone agrees you actually need, like defenders, defensive midfielders and goalkeepers
13. Scratch your head when you fail for the ninth season in a row to win any silverware and your ability to attract top players diminishes even more, sparking a downward spiral of decline that will inevitably lead to you being forced out of the top four and becoming the next Liverpool
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