Amid scenes of universal jubilation, the hated figure who has caused so much distress to the lives of millions in both Britain and the rest of the world, has finally announced his retirement.

'I may have made mistakes' he emotionally announced to a packed living room containing his wife and cat. 'In fact, I'm famous for continually making them. But I have also left a legacy. A legacy that will live on for years to come. I have no doubt that in the minds of future generations, my name will become synonymous with the highest degree of incompetence.'

Asked if he had any immediate plans, he replied 'Yes, I plan to write the first volume of my autobiography entitled "Oh, Graham Poll is a F***ing A******e!"'