(or rather dictated to) Doktor Schneid
Jose Mourinho would like to say a few words to the millions of life long Chelsea fans:
‘You know, sometimes even the greatest of people who have graced this world with their presence have faced difficult times. Now is such a time for Mourinho as I undeservedly receive the cruelest of criticism from those whose sole qualification is that they have achieved more than I have with vastly inferior resources. As I look down upon the mass of lesser beings from my palatial residence of El Castilla del Conceit, I consider the words - from someone I can’t quite remember - who once said “Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth”.
Mourinho has altered this rather idealistic doctrine to ‘Minted are the gangsters for they shall inherit the natural gas and aluminium manufacturing rights’. It will form my philosophical concept for the day of which, no doubt, my many disciples will meditate upon. I don’t include little Ronaldo in this group as I fear such mental processes are beyond him. Indeed, I remember the time when I spoke to him about the true ownership of irony to which he responded it definitely belongs to the elephants it was taken from.
Anyway, on to other things… I think the FA Cup final will be a great occasion for Chelsea as we might be able to buy some more badly needed history for the club. But it will also be tinged with sadness as it could well be Chelsea’s last game under my inspirational guidance. Believe me, I’d like to stay and receive more truckloads of cash, but lately there’s been a strange look in Roman’s eye whenever the Champions League is mentioned. Mourinho gets the distinct impression that he’s very annoyed about something.
Your devotion to your club has been an inspiration to me. Everywhere Mourinho now goes, he will know that wherever money buys success, he will encounter loyal supporters like yourselves.
Before I go, I want to reply to my detractors… It’s been said that anyone who’d been given a budget of £450m would have a good team. Mourinho says Ha! You’re wrong! It was more like £500m. Adios!’
