Dear Manchester United “fans”…

I recently had the joys of an aeroplane flight home from Portugal in the unintentional company of a typical example of your species, a particularly uninformed, lowbrow, but vociferous, Man Utd “fan”. Upon noticing my Arsenal polo shirt he promptly decided to let me know, in no uncertain terms, that he hated the Gunners and that Man Utd were a “way bigger team”.

Always one to defend the faith, I recalled a similar e-mail thread I’d been involved in last year with another Man Utd “fan” in my workplace, whereby I had helpfully pointed out a few facts regarding our two clubs. I pointed out these same facts to my new travelling companion and he was not best pleased. The sum total of his response being “You’ve never won the European Cup…”

True, we haven’t.

But then if it’s a p*ssing contest we are entering into, let’s take a look at those facts I mentioned.

You’ve never won the league at our ground – we did at yours; 2002.
You’ve never beaten us in a major final – we’ve done you in the FA Cup final not once, but TWICE.
You’ve never won the league unbeaten (even after Fergie, Giggs and Spiv Neville hilariously predicted you would a few years back) – we have; 2004.
You’ve never gone a whole season unbeaten – we have; 2004.

Oh, and just a few Arsenal records too:

Most consecutive seasons in English top flight – 88 years.
Longest unbeaten sequence in the English top flight – 49 games. This includes the entire 2003-04 season unbeaten in the League (38 matches).
Longest unbeaten away sequence in English league football – 27 games.
Most consecutive scoring league games in English domestic football – 55 games.
Most consecutive scoring away matches – 27 games.
Most consecutive league wins – 14 games.
Most consecutive away wins in a Premiership season – 8 games.
Only team to score in every game in a Premiership season - 2001/02 Double winning campaign.
Longest unbeaten FA cup run – 18 games.

Oh and, I should point out, we’ve never been relegated from the top flight… especially not by one of our old boys taking the p*ss with a back heel. (I know that technically we were relegated from the old, old first division back in 1913, but not since our election to the first division proper in 1919).

At this point, he decided to try a new tactic and claimed that Ferguson was a better manager than Wenger. So off I went again, pointing out that the above records were all achieved during Mr Wenger’s reign (with the obvious exception of the non-relegation one, though he contributes to it annually). My neighbour swiftly countered that Fergie had built three great teams at Utd.

Fergie built 3 great teams? Hmmm… It strikes me that if he did, he did so in an era when Utd were the only club with real money to spend on players. Similar to what Mourinho is doing now, I think you’ll find. But I wouldn’t agree that he built 3 great teams. True, the 1994 Utd team were pretty good for that era, but he “inherited” a lot of those players from the youth team and they honestly played nowhere near the technical level that Wenger’s Arsenal have played at over the last ten years. But the 1999 treble winners? Even the most blinkered, die hard Utd fans admit you were steeped in luck that year. Even the 1999 CL final was a fluke – Bayern were the better side throughout and hit the post twice in the dying minutes before Utd scuffled two late goals over the line.

What Fergie has won with huge financial backing pales when compared to what Wenger has won on a shoestring budget and playing beautiful, attacking, passing football of the highest calibre.

Next he opined that Wenger had spent a fortune on rubbish like Jeffers, Cygan, Stepanovs and Volz. I pointed out that those players cost almost nothing when compared to what Fergie had spent on his own massive list of duds;

Rossi, Forlan, Howard, Barthez, Johnsen, Kleberson, Phil Neville, Carrick, Bellion, Blanc, Bosnich, Carroll, Chadwick, Jordi (I refuse to call him Cruyff), Spector, Djordjic, Darren Ferguson, Goram, Greening, Taibi, Miller, Poborsky, Sealey, Veron, and Djemba-Djemba (Utd being so “classy” as to put both names on the back of his jersey, so they could squeeze every penny out of their fans).

At this point, your champion - Mr Man Utd - promptly scowled, went into a minor hissing fit and sat in silence for the remainder of the flight. From the expression on his face and the depth of his furrowed brow I think he probably spent the rest of his time trying to come up with a clever riposte but failed miserably.

My missive ends here Man Utd “fans”. A shame that very few of your ilk will ever read it, what with it being posted on a website and not spray painted on a wall.