Tottenham's Robbie Keane today blasted the "WAG (Win Any Games) culture" that has made it impossible for any talented footballer to even contemplate playing for Spurs. 'We're living in a mercenary world where players with any skill or desire want to win football matches and be in contention for major honours' he explained tearfully.

'Obviously, anyone in that category wouldn't come a million miles near Light Weight Lane and is it any wonder we instead do what we're best at - shopping down the West End. Let me tell you it's a difficult and thankless task losing week in, week out - it's just as well only a handful of our fans bother to stay to the final whistle to boo us off.'

Ed’s note – for a decent chuckle, read through the comments pages on the Spurs v Everton mismatch on the BBC sports website.

Stop press! Just received this email from Mark Foster… Silly Me! When the pundits were talking pre-season about Spurs challenging for the Chamionship, I thought they meant the one you get for winning the Premier League. But it must be their plans for an assault on the title next season after getting relegated!