So, how was your afternoon? Mine was a roller coaster. 12 noon - PC begins pretending to be dead, and goes into a sulk lasting about five hours. 12.30 pm - Begin to get lunch. Switch on Five Live to find that on the day of the last game at one of the world's great stadiums, they are broadcasting motor racing. What kind of saddo sits next to a radio listening to it going 'EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW' for two hours at a stretch, anyway?

1 pm - Switch on Talk Sport. Anything is better than motor racing, even Talk Sport. Find out that Totnum want the game called off coz they are all feeling sick. That nervous, huh? Then learn that it's supposed to be an outbreak of food poisoning, and the FA are being called. And the fuzz. Suspect devious Totnum scam. 1.30 - Hear that game is on anyway. Oh well, that will at least give them an excuse when they lose to West Ham. Also hear that Van Gristleboy has driven off from Old Trafford in a hissy fit! Life isn't all that bad, then?

2 pm - Begin trying to book holiday to Finland using daughter's PC. 2.15 - Engage in free and frank exchange of views with wife regarding who agreed what and with whom about ferry bookings/time off from work. Am informed that's it's OK for people who are retired to think about holidays, but some people can't just go off for months on end just when they feel like it. Reply that it isn't me who every July says 'Why don't we ever go on holiday?' 2.55 - Decide to do as I'm told. It's quicker in the end.

3 pm - Switch on Five Live to find that they are commentating on bloody Totnum! Am so incensed, forget that I can listen to Five Live Extra, who've probably got our game, on digital telly. (Turns out they didn't either! Man U??? On the day of the last game at THOF? Guys? Are you serious about being the UK's No 1 for sport? Coz if you are, you aren't very good at it!) 3.01 - Switch off radio in disgust. Watch game on Ceefax whilst booking ferries. 3.08 - Roberto scores. Totnum still 0-0. Bliss! 3.10 - Wigan equalise. What??? 3.10 - West Ham score. YES! This could be the preferred scenario - we only draw, but Totnum lose, so that we beat them to fourth place on goal difference. That would really give them an excuse! - to hate us even more than ever, if that is possible.

3.25 - Titi opens his account. That's more like it. We win and Totnum lose. Quite right. 3.33 - Decide to switch on radio, as I'm just 'being silly' to miss it all. Wigan immediately score again. WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT???? Switch off radio. 3.35 - Defoe scores! ER, that's not to meant to happen. Misery. 3.45 - Half time. Manage to book ferries to Denmark, but Finnish ferry line's website (for Stockholm to Turku leg) appears completely arcane and intractable (and that's just the English version).

4.12 - Cheating ex-Totnum git with bad haircut deliberately misses penalty for West Ham. Ah - so that's the scenario - they score, but then concede a late goal to Totnum, and next week, all the East End villains (they DO look like George the Bear, don't they?) get free suits! 4.16 - Titi restores our lead. Back in fourth place. Up yours Teddy. 4.33 - Titi makes it four. However, there could still be a late goal at Upton Park. 4.35 - Manage to book ferries from Stockholm to Finland.

4.40 - Benayoun (who?) scores late goal at Upton Park. Goodbye, Totnum, goodbye! Goodbye, Totnum, goodbye! We'll see you again, we don't know when. Goodbye, Totnum, goodbye! 4.45 - Own PC fires up and looks at me as if to say 'Who? Me? I've been working all afternoon'

5.25 - Watch five minutes of the parade at Highbury on BBC1. See Bouldy, Lee, Charlie George etc. Who are all those little fat guys with limps and grey hair? Oh yeah - they're the Arsenal players of my generation. As well as old, aren't they small? No wonder my Dad (Arsenal fan from the 30s!) used to point out who were the 'six footers'. (Some time or other, the Gooners all sing 'Hey, Rocky! Rocky! Rocky Rocky Rocky Rocky Rocastle! Well played that crowd!) 5.55 (or so) - Apparently, long after everyone one else has gone, Robert Pires, Ashley Cole and Titi sit in the centre circle (according to The Guardian) 'saying goodbye to Highbury'. Yeah - well, they would say that -after all, they still can't forget they used to be the Manchester Guardian. However, it's possible the conversation went something like this…

Titi: 'Eh, Robbi! On ne va pas a Espagne l'annee prochaine, uh? Pourquoi on va autre place? Uh? Ou se trouve un equipe si magnifique que L'Arsenal? Ou se trouve un autre homme comme M. Wenger? Uh? Ou se trouve un peuple comme les Gooners? Uh? On rest ici, non? Uh?' Robbi: (Shrugs - well he is French) Ouay! Ashley Cole: What?

Au revoir a Paris!