The new service recently publicised by Arsenal whereby fans in the stadium can text the matchday control room to have a steward intervene has got me thinking recently.

The concept is not entirely new to the club as one particularly unpopular supporter has been texting reports during matches of behaviour they did not approve of and which at times infringed the regulations about attending matches (especially standing up persistently) ever since the move to the new stadium in 2006. This supporter ended up causing so much ill will that they had to be relocated to a new seat where they have continued making busy with their mobile.

I recently witnessed an argument between two fans, not on a matchday but on the topic of the new texting initiative. One was absolutely adamant that anyone using such a method was a grass and was out of order. The other had endured so much misery due to the vitriol of the season ticket holder sat immediately behind them (who spends the entire match shouting expletives at high volume at members of the Arsenal side that are not playing to the standard he desires to see) that this sufferer said they would consider using the service if it gets the problem solved. He did not wish to move from his seat to get away from the problem as he likes the view from there and doubts he will find one that can match it.

There is a lot of talk from the club about the concept of the ‘matchday experience’ – a term no-one ever used before all-seater stadiums and corporate hospitality became the norm. So in 2007, we have a situation where people attending a football match have very varying expectations of the kind of atmosphere they would like to watch the game in. I suspect that there are many fans who have started attending in more recent times who enjoy all the noise, chants and phenomena that goes back to the 1980s and before when prices were much cheaper and fans stood behind the goals. Yet, these same fans are those that don’t actually want any of it to happen where they happen to be sitting. So it’s wonderful to see the red section jumping up and down, as long as it doesn’t happen where they are. A kind of NIMBY approach – we have to have certain slightly less desirable things exist to make the society work, just not where I live thank you very much. Of course, the creation of atmosphere can have good and bad aspects. Chants are good to get atmosphere going, but some chants are out of order. There’s a hell of an atmosphere when chants are sung against Arsene Wenger by the majority of the crowd at White Hart Lane and Old Trafford, but the chant in question is obviously unacceptable and the atmosphere accordingly sour.

So let’s look at the example categories that Arsenal have provided for supporters to text - FOUL, RACE, SMOKE, STAND, HPH or TOUT.

FOUL – Foul and abusive language. One assumes this will only be an issue if it is so frequent and unrelenting that it becomes intolerable for everyone in the vicinity, as it is pretty obvious that the huge majority of the crowd swear at times during the course of a match. I’ll express a personal opinion here. When the venom (and invariably it features industrial language) is so great that the spittle of the shouter lands on the back of my head, then it is too much for me. If I want you to spit in my hair I’ll inform you. Such people should find a way to express their displeasure without showering those in front of them. Industrial language when appropriate is fine. But giving me a hairwash with the contents of your foul-mouthed gob is out of order. If I can remove you from my existence, then I’ll do whatever it takes you inconsiderate moron.

SMOKE – I don’t smoke, don’t like inhaling cigarette smoke, but we are in the open air here. I am not going to get lung cancer as a passive smoker from someone lighting up. I am not going to text anybody about this. Get a life.

STAND – If the area in which I am located is full of people who choose to stand, then I go with the flow. If the rest of the stand is seated, then I expect you not to stand on your own in front of me. Majority rules here. There are areas where you expect to stand and areas where you don’t. You should choose where to buy your ticket accordingly and go along with the wishes of the majority.

HPH – Homophobic abuse. Well, I really don’t give a fig if someone bats for the other side. If people feel calling someone a queer is a form of abuse, then I wonder about their intelligence. People who do this are so stupid, I worry more that they are allowed to have children than the feelings of a player getting taunted by them. Get a life. I’m not going to bother getting a steward involved until they have legal powers to castrate.

TOUT – So how exactly does this work? The tickets/cards are sold outside the stadium. Are stewards going to leave the stadium in order to eject someone who hasn’t even entered yet? I’m failing to see the relevance of this one.

Of course, if a game is a bit on the dull side there is tremendous fun to be had sabotaging this service by sending texts about aspects of your ‘matchday experience’ you are not enjoying, such as (last Sunday), anyone on the field in a Chelsea shirt and the referee. So here’s a text I should have sent to leave you with.

THIEF: Visitors section of Director’s Box. Sitting next to brunette attracted by smell of dirty money. No tie.

Wonder if that would have got the miscreant ejected…